I am not a big product endorser because I am a cheap bitch and I tend to look for the least expensive products of a quality that doesn’t suck ass. Recently, however, I tried the The Microdelivery Peel by Philosophy. The results were amazing. My skin is clearer, glowing, smoother and as soft as a …, wait a minute I was going to say as a baby’s bottom, but I can’t remember the last time I touched one of those. Of course I changed my children’s’ diapers, but I can’t imagine that I spent anytime rubbing their butts and marveling at the smoothness. So with nothing to compare it too, I’d say it’s softer than it ever has been. It’s possible that it was softer than it is right now when I was very young, but back then I didn’t give a shit about my skin. I was just hoping for a horrible accident that would leave me in a wheelchair and then everyone would love me and pay lots of attention to me. Or I hoped that I would go blind like Mary on Little House on the Prairie and kind natured family members would guide me around and my parents would look at each other and embrace as their eyes filled up with tears and everything would be right forever.

Anyway, now that I look at some of the other products by Philosophy I am inclined to buy more, even though they cost more than I usually spend on clothes for five years. Whoever is titling some of these is a genius. How can you not want a jar of moisturizer titled Hope In a Jar? I’ve been looking for that jar my whole life. And When Hope Is Not Enough, haven’t we all felt that from time to time? Hope And A Prayer is available for believers and those of us who eschew the usual being grateful for our blessings for open mockery of church goers because they have to get up early on Sundays too for waiting for something really scary and fucked up to happen before we get down on our knees, or cuddled into the fetal position in bed weeping and praying to God until out heads ache. Don’t even get me started on Help Me and Save me. I have two bottles of those products, but I call them Prozac and Klonopin.

Now I have detailed some very expensive products for faces that may or not be worth it. I feel obliged to offer up a cheap beauty tip for the shiny people. You know if you’re one. If you wear makeup even powder doesn’t reduce the shine, not for long. You risk caking on so much powder to reduce the shine that your face looks like a sick mask. Even if you don’t wear makeup you can be shiny too. I’ve seen faces you could see your reflection in. What to do, you ask? Well, I tried those little oil blotting sheets that sell for too much for too few. One day as I patted my nose and forehead in the restroom at my former job it occurred to me that the consistency of these little sheets I was paying too much for was rather like the toilet seat covers they supplied in each stall. What do you know, it worked. So if you find yourself out and about and turning shiny, go to a public restroom, take a toilet seat liner, fold it into fours, press it to your face and viola, no more shine. What the hell, take a few. The horrors us consumers with weak bladders and /or small children who have to pee or worse yet poop endure in most public restrooms is enough to make it okay to snatch a couple oil blotting face sheets for free.