I had an entry planned for today but I have a UTI that is making me run for the bathroom every two minutes and I have to take Polly to her pediatrician for a physical this afternoon because she has a virus or something she can’t shake. I am seriously considering calling a cab to get there because the thought of taking two buses to get to the doctor’s office with a sick daughter and a burning desire to urinate sounds like a hell I’d rather avoid. Feel free to answer these questions and leave the answers in the comments. I’d love to get to know the readers I haven’t met yet. Or just say hi, if you’d like to.

How many keys are on your keychain? Two. One to my house and one to my Mom’s. Whoops. I was supposed to return the key to my Mom’s before the house sold.

What curse word do you use the most? Fuck.

Do you own an iPod? Yes, and that was what I really wanted to write an entry about today and I will, soon.

What time is your alarm clock set for? 6.

How many suitcases do you own? None. I don’t travel much and if I do I can borrow one from my Mom, who has dozens, literally.

Do you wear flip-flops even when it’s cold outside? No. I can’t stand the “something between my toes” feeling. I do have a pair of slip on sandals that I wear to take the garbage out, as well as a pair of trashed clogs I wear to work in the garden.

Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? Take. I am insecure about my appearance and I hide when people pull cameras out.

What was the last movie you watched? Syriana, with Nathan. We both liked it, although I got the impression that I would need to see it more than once to really get it. This might have been because I was so tired at the time.

What CD is currently in your CD player? Foo Fighters, In Your Honor Disc 1. Good album.

Has anyone told you a secret this week? Family members are always telling me secrets.

What did you have for dinner last night? Salad with feta cheese.

Do you wear hoodies often? Yes, they are good for the crappy, dreary, rainy Portland weather. Plus they’re comfortable.

Can you whistle? Yes, but not well.

Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? My Mom.

What is your favorite ride at an amusement park? I hate amusement parks. I hate rides. I hate anything that might trigger another panic attack. I just watch my kids ride when we go.

Do you think people talk about you behind your back? Oh yes, my family is horrible about doing this.

What area code are you in? 503

What is your biggest regret? Not getting a college degree.

What movie do you know every line to? Used to be The Rocky Horror Picture Show, now none. I don’t watch movies enough to memorize them.

When was your last plane ride? March 2006. I took Nathan and Polly to Phoenix, Arizona.

How many chairs are at your dining room table? Our house is too small for a dining room table, but we do have an outside table that seats 4. It’s great during the warmer months.

Can you speak any languages other than English? Ebonics

What color are your bedroom walls? White. I would love to change them, but I got burned out on painting my Mom’s house.

When was the last time you cried? I can’t remember.

Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? Desktop.

Which do you make: wishes or plans? Both

Can you skip rocks? No. I’ve never been able to, but my husband and son are quite good at it.

Who was your favorite teacher? Jan Chappell (7^th grade) and Sister Shaun Marie (freshman Algebra)
What two personality traits attract you most? Sense of humor, laidback calm.

What two personality traits do you most dislike? Sense of Entitlement, violent tempers.

What is your mother’s hometown? Grenfell, NSW
How many hours of sleep do you need to function? 8, but I rarely get it. I can function on way less, but I might be a crabby bitch.

Do you eat breakfast daily? Coffee, Prozac and Klonopin.

Describe your typical weekday with three adjectives. Stressful, Exhausting, sometimes boring.

Did you ever get in trouble for talking in class? All the time.
What is your favorite fruit? I love all of them, but fresh raspberries would be right at the top of my list.

Do you believe in life on other planets? I never think about it. Life on this planet is too much for me most days.

Who was the last person to piss you off? Nathan.

What do you tell yourself when times get hard? This too shall pass. Or, must step in front of a semi truck. It depends on how bad I’m feeling, depression wise.

Would you ever sky dive? Nope.

Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back? All three. I have a bad back and I am constantly moving around, trying to get comfortable.

What character from a movie most reminds you of yourself? I can’t think of any.

Have you ever bid for something on ebay? Oh hell yes. I sell things too.

Do you enjoy giving hugs? It depends on who it is.

Would you consider yourself to be fashionable? Nope. I aim for clean and comfortable.

Does it annoy you when someone says they’ll call but never do? It depends on who it is and if I really need to talk with them. I am usually content to let someone leave me a message. I guess you could say I have hang-ups (ha!) about the phone.

What books, if any, have made you cry? Too many to count. Sophie’s Choice. Charlotte’s Web. The Lovely Bones. Leaving Las Vegas. Gone With the Wind. Of Mice and Men. Tons more I can’t think of at the moment.

Do you think you’re attractive? Nope.

What are you allergic to? Stupidity.

If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name have been? Michael

Title borrowed without permission from the Veruca Salt song Disconnected from the album Resolver.

I am not sure which writing process other people use, but I often mull over my next topic for a few days before I sit down to type it out. Sometimes I jot notes down on paper, or write the whole thing longhand first. The reason for this is partly because we only have one computer for four people and partly because I like the pen and paper process. It is easier for me that way. With my kids increasingly turning to Google to do their homework instead of oh I don’t know, BOOKS, I am finding it harder than ever to get a moment’s peace on this computer. I had considered purchasing a laptop to write on, but the expense seems too much for me to justify spending on myself.

I had considered writing about the hell that was moving my Mom but with a week gone by now I find myself wanting to separate from the experience, not to relive it. Yes, it was hard and I had a lot of thoughts about it at the time but it’s over now and I just find myself tired of the subject. My siblings have been calling me and I’ve been letting it go to voicemail. They want to know how things went, and how my back is. I figure if they wanted to really witness it they could have shown up, even for a few hours. Monica did come on the final Saturday and Sunday and for that I am grateful. My Mom’s best friend showed up the last few days with her pickup truck and we never could have made it without her. She and my Mom have been friends since I was in diapers and she is one of my favorite people in the world. Plus, she showed up at 10 am with a six pack and told me it was time for a brewskie, making me laugh.

Now I want to look forward to my next steps. I would like to go to college and I am going to see if I can work out a schedule around Polly’s schedule so that I can still drop her off at school and pick her up. I considered taking some classes online but I think I really need to be in a classroom setting, at least to begin with, so that I can work on regaining the mentality of a student, if that makes any sense.

When I was a little girl I used to play this game inside my head that I called “Something to Look Forward To.” I would make sure that I always had something to look forward to, even if it was a book that I wanted to check out from the library or something big like my birthday or Christmas. Then when times got tough I would think about whatever it was to help me get through. Without giving it much thought I continued to play that little game in my head all the way until last week. For a long time my something to look forward to was the closing of my Mom’s house, with a sprinkling of moments such as “I can’t wait for Alex to have the night off so that we can be together” or “I can’t wait to take Nathan and Polly to the new Harry Potter movie.” Mostly though what I was most looking forward to was all wrapped up in the sale of that damn house. Now that it is gone I found myself checking my head for something to look forward to the other day when it dawned on me that I was looking forward to the future. The whole of it all stretched out in front of me waiting for me to shape it.

True to my earlier word I have been getting ready to give away 50% of my belongings (not including children). I am creating an area for things that must go in a dumpster, collecting bags of clothes to donate to the VVA, sorting through books for the used book sale at Polly’s school and listing things on eBay. I also broke my previous record on the amount of recycling I placed on the curb last night.

An online acquaintance gave me the address of a soldier friend of hers who is on his second tour of Iraq. I am putting together a care box for him and shopping for it has been fun. The whole family got involved and it feels good to be able to hope that we might be able to brighten someone’s day just a little. Anyone else looking to do something similar can check out http://www.booksforsoldiers.com

Panic attack count in the last week = 0. Numbers of times I have felt so depressed I’ve thought suicide was my only option = 0. I am feeling good, tired and bruised, but good.

Nathan doesn’t want to get out of bed this morning, or any morning, because he has PE first period and the teacher starts each class with 15 minutes of running. I know that some people like to start their days with a run, I have seen them run by my front porch while I sit and drink my morning coffee, have my morning cigarette, but I am not one of those people and apparently I haven’t raised one either.

I tried to explain to him that this is what school, work and life are about, jumping through hoops. He doesn’t feel like jumping through hoops either and although I hate the morning struggle, I hated PE more. A big part of me empathizes with him.

Lori, it is nice to meet you. I am happy to hear that you found my site and have been here reading. I will check out yours when I have more time. Thank you for commenting!

Someone like you,

I hope you are right about my Mom feeling better after all is said and done. I saw her today and she was still rather stressed out. I asked her why and she couldn’t give me a straight answer. I think it will take some time for her to unwind. Thank you for always being here, reading and commenting.

Jane,

I guess I feel that I was just doing what I had to do. I have had each of my siblings call and thank me for taking care of mom when they could not. It was hard, but I don’t feel strong. I just feel tired. I don’t know if I adequately expressed to you how happy it makes me to have one of my favorite journalers reading my site! It really makes me feel good and I thank you for taking the time to lend a supportive ear.

I am still getting used to not having to rush around madly. I have been catching up on housework and making sure my kids get their homework done. It is nice to have the time to really be present here at my house. My sister Monica just dropped me by a birthday present and she commented on how much more relaxed I looked. I didn’t tell her that I had just finished a Jack Daniels on the rocks. She gave me one of those amaryllis bulbs you can force inside in the winter. I have always wanted one but I never buy myself stuff. I will look forward to seeing it bloom.

I am going to the store for pain killers right now. Note to self, do not pack the pain killers in the middle of a moving experience. I spent Monday night sleeping on a cardboard box with a coat thrown over me for warmth on the floor in front of my Mom’s fireplace where I broke up bits of broken furniture and scraps of wood I found around the house because her furnace died. I got stuck at her house and there was no way to get home so I just made the best of what I had. It was like being on some sort of survival show but there were no cameras, thank god, and no prize at the end. I have a new feeling of sorrow about the many homeless people I see sleeping on cardboard boxes. No wonder they drink. They need the warmth and your body aches like a motherfucker being so close to the ground. I suddenly feel very old.

Thank you everyone for the nice comments. I’ll write more later after I’ve showered and gotten back to my life, the one here at my house.