First I’d like to say thank you to the lovely woman who linked to me over the weekend.

She can be found at: http://sarahray.wordpress.com/

It made me feel very happy to see that new link over the weekend. As much as I try to pretend that this journal is for me and it doesn’t really bother me that only a few people are reading I still honestly have the desire to connect with people.

Saturday morning Alex and Nathan went out to play paintball. Getting shot at isn’t my idea of fun, but they apparently had a blast. I am glad that they were able to spend some time together. They are both bruised, but they show their bruises with laughter. I am glad that Nathan has a father to do such things with. I would have no doubt spend the entire game hiding.

Polly and I spent Saturday cleaning up the house in preparation for her sleep over. Her friend arrived in the afternoon and I was soon used to the constant squeals this girl emitted. She also jumped up and down when she was excited, which was often. They stayed up until 2:30 am eating, watching movies and playing games. She must have had a good time; she called her mom Sunday and begged to stay another night. I wasn’t too keen on the whole sleepover on a school night thing so I was glad that her mom said no and I didn’t have to be the bad guy for once.

Yesterday I spent the day with Alex and I felt like a giggly teen. Just the simplest things are more fun when he is here. We took a shower together, something we haven’t done in ages, and it was nice.

Alex found the charger for his old digital camera, and so he let me borrow it. As I have mentioned, mine needs repair. His charger has been missing for three years and I had never used his camera before so I went out yesterday and took some shots as I walked around waiting for Polly’s school to let out. Then I came back home with Polly and asked Alex to take some photos of me. I usually shy away from cameras, but I decided to be brave. I want to get some pictures on my journal and I need to just jump in with both feet instead of being so nervous about it. Hopefully I’ll learn how to put the photos from the camera to the computer to my site and have some up by tomorrow. Or I’ll just ask Alex to do it for me. As compatible as we are in so many ways when it comes to him teaching me things he loses patience quickly and I usually end up with my feelings hurt.

Best of all, Nathan was accepted into the school we interviewed for! I am beyond excited. Last week someone brought a gun to his current school and the entire school was under lockdown (thank god he wasn’t there that day) and fortunately no one was hurt. I decided at that very moment that he wasn’t going back to that school no matter what. Now I just need to return the textbooks he has at home and the library books too and we don’t even have to think about that school again. Thanks everyone for the good thoughts. They worked!

Nathan and I had an interview at the alternative high school we have been trying to get him into today. It went very well. We will find out whether he is in tomorrow. I am so excited! There are only 81 kids there in grades 9-12. I think he will do well in such an environment. Afterwards we went to Round Table for lunch and had a nice talk. I gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek because I was so proud of him for doing so well during the interview and he only blushed a little bit. Wish us luck!

Gripped by this anxiety I can’t contain, I shall try to write. I have found myself either lower than low, or so nervous I can’t control the energy from it lately. I will try to list what has been going on. I’m not sure if I can put this together properly.

1.   Friday and Saturday my Mom spent the night here at my house. It was fun. I didn’t realize until we stayed up until 2 am the first night talking just how lonely for adult company I have been. When Alex has a night off he usually is so tired he sleeps. Or he needs some time alone. Or we are on different sleep schedules so we don’t see much of each other. I am lonely.

2.   The alternative school that I have been trying to get Nathan into called and left a message. They have a slot open and want to interview him. I have been trying to get in touch with the woman who called and I keep getting her voice mail. It’s frustrating, but I hope it works out. He is not doing well at the school he’s in and I really want him out of there. Now I realize why my parents spent so much money sending us to private schools.

3.   My Mom found a house she likes. It is not too far from me. She took me, Nathan and Polly to look at it. I called an old Realtor friend of ours and she drove over and let us in. She remembered us even though it has been ten years since we last spoke. My Mom looked around carefully and made an offer. They counter offered and my mom accepted. So now we wait for the inspection. I am happy for her, but trying not to get my hopes up. Her doctor says she needs to have surgery on her thumbs. She has osteoarthritis and is having a hard time using her hands. If she decides to have the surgery at least I’ll be able to get to her on the bus within 10 minutes. I am not looking forward to moving her again. She promised me she’d pay someone to move her next time after the last move from hell. I hope she remembers that promise.

4.   I am not sure if I should call my doctor and tell her about the recent depression and panic I’ve been stuck in, or ride it out for awhile and hope it goes away. I need something to throw myself into but I’m finding it hard to focus on any one thing for long.

5.   I ran into my former best friend the other day. We were best friends for six years. He was my rock, the one I could always count on, the one I could call anytime I needed to talk, even if it was the middle of the night. Things went horribly wrong a little over three years ago. I haven’t talked to him since. I was walking to the bus stop and he was walking towards me. He nodded in recognition and I glared in his direction and picked up the pace. I ended up walking east when I was supposed to be heading west. I stopped off at a 7-11 even though I needed nothing from the store. I was shaking. I don’t know where all that rage came from. I thought I had totally gotten over that. I hadn’t expected to get my heart broken over a platonic friendship but I did. I haven’t attempted friendship since. I still miss him sometimes. We used to be able to talk about everything and I felt it was okay to just be me. Sometimes I’ll think of something I want to tell him and then the reality sinks in that I can’t call him anymore. I have been having dreams with him there ever since that two second encounter. In my dreams we can talk. In real life I want to hide.

6.   I haven’t given up my plans for school. I need to fill out the financial aid forms and really be on top of registration this time. I won’t let this illness win. I feel like a kid in a candy store when I read the course catalogue for college. I am hungry to learn. I must be brave. I must carry on.

I’ll try to write an entry tomorrow. I’m not sure if it’s the 225 mgs. of effexor per day or what, but my ass has been dragging for days.

Positive thoughts. Must think positive thoughts.

Some of you may have noticed that my site was down for maintenance yesterday. My husband played around with it a bit, and added some features such as a notify list. So if you’d like to be notified when I post a new entry go ahead and sign up. I hope everyone is going well for you all. I am off to get Polly from school in the ice and snow. Today was her first day back since last Friday, and she was quite grumpy about having to go when there was still lots of snow on the ground. Apparently, you can never have enough snow days!

Thanks for reading.

Last Thursday we had an ice and snowstorm. Friday my Mom was meeting two friends at a Red Robin for lunch. These women have been meeting three times a year to celebrate their birthdays since back in the early 80s. My Mom has a disabled parking permit because she has two bad knees (one artificial or titanium, fun when she goes through metal detectors) and a bad heart that makes it difficult for her to walk long distances. She parked in the disabled parking spot, opened her car door, and slipped on the ice. She fell forward and tried to catch herself with her hand. She ended up a bloody mess, literally. Four teenagers happened by and offered to help her up. My Mom said that she was afraid that they were going to snatch her purse. They helped her up and led her into the restaurant where her friends were already seated and waiting. One customer looked at my mom, crinkled up her nose, and said, “You have blood running down your face.” My Mom said the blood was so heavy that she couldn’t see and she looked at the woman and said, “No shit.” Once her friends got her one of them called for a manager and questioned him for not having rock salt or something down, especially near a disabled parking spot. The young manager was a bit snippy about the parking lot not being their responsibility until this friend went out and started taking pictures. Then he asked if he could help in any way.

They took my Mom to the ER. She has a severely sprained right arm, a bruised and swollen beyond belief left knee, a huge bump and cut on her forehead, a cut across her nose where her glasses broke and two black eyes. Her friends left when my sister Monica showed up to stay with her and take her home. They gave her the good pain pills and by the time I was called she was cracking jokes about having such a big nose because at least she didn’t land flat on her face.

I tried to get her to come and stay at our house but she refused. Saturday she called me crying and asking me to come out and help her. As I was figuring out the bus schedule and bringing my kids my brother called. My brother ended up going out and taking her to get her glasses fixed and out for Thai food. Then he drove her to his house but she refused to stay with him either. Monday she had to go to the doctor’s office for a check up and there was no one to drive her. She called me and asked if I would take the bus out (it’s about a two hour ride) and then sit in the passenger seat while she drove with her left hand only. She was sure she would be just fine with me by her side but I thought the idea ridiculous. I suggested she call a cab. My niece ended up picking her up, taking her to the doctor and then out to eat. They stopped by my house on their way home last night so I could give her a hug. Everyone has been bringing her food and helping her. She confessed to me when we had a second alone that she is having trouble showering and that she had left the house without a bra because she couldn’t get one on. She was very worried about being braless. I told her that no one was even going to notice. I asked her to please stay with me but she refused, saying that she was having a friend over for tea this morning. Only my Mom wouldn’t cancel plans made prior to her injuries. I can just picture her getting out the fine teapot and china cups and saucers and setting the table with one hand.

The hardest part for me, after the concern for her well being, has been feeling as if I’ve been no help at all. I am not the daughter she can call on for much of anything anymore. It used to take me 15 minutes to get to her by bus before she sold her house. She has had ten surgeries in the last eight years and I have nursed her through all of them but one, because I was working fulltime at the time and could only tend to her during my off hours. Fortunately Alex was able to care for her while I was at work. I never realized how possessive I felt about my role of caregiver. I have showered her countless times, helped her on and off the porta potty, wiped for her when she had the carpal tunnel surgery, brushed her hair, fed her and rubbed her back. After some of these surgeries she would get rather depressed and I held her while she cried.

I know that she will be okay, that there are others who can get to her faster, but I still feel guilty. I wish she would move closer to my house.

I was all set to sign up for classes and for some reason they froze my account, saying that I didn’t pay my registration fee, which I did, and it took so long to get this “freeze” off of my account that I missed the first day of school, which was today. I tried to register for several classes that start tomorrow but they were all full. I am so limited because I have to attend in between dropping Polly off at school and picking her up so I have to stick to the campus that isn’t so far away because I’m on the bus. Anyway, I can go down tomorrow and see if there’s any room in any of the classes they told me were full because the woman on the phone said a lot of people don’t show up on the first day.

Alex told me to just sign up for something fun and I’m inclined to head in that direction, even if it’s noncredit. I feel so incompetent. Sorry I haven’t been writing lately. A dear friend of the family sold her house and I have been helping her move. She is 80 and in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s disease and her stepdaughter pushed her to sell her house. No one thought about where she would go when the house sold. She was planning on going back to Australia as she was born and raised there and wants to die there. Her husband died a few years back after she cared for him for many years. She has no family here except for two step daughters who are looking for $, it seems. She is so confused and frightened. She is going to move in with my mom for awhile while they figure out what to do. My Mom might have to fly her to Australia as she is in no condition to travel alone. She remembers me when I visit and keeps hugging and kissing me and giving me things. Her favorite cookbook. Her favorite teapot. The decanter her husband kept his bourbon in. This is much worse than the move I just completed for my Mom because the light at the end of this tunnel appears to be death. She slips away a little more each day.

Cazzy and Someone Like You, thanks for your comments. It really means a lot to me. And to those who read and don’t comment, that means a lot to me too. I’ll try to do a better job of updating. Maybe tomorrow something will fall into place when I go to the college. If not, there’s always spring term. If all else fails I’ll sign up for a one time Saturday class, How to Become a Wine Snob in 3 hours. That sounds like fun.

Sometimes garbage day feels a little too good. Finally getting rid of the garbage, recycling, yard debris and in this case our Christmas tree feels so nice. As Tori Amos sang,

“ Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know
But nothing comes”