Gripped by this anxiety I can’t contain, I shall try to write. I have found myself either lower than low, or so nervous I can’t control the energy from it lately. I will try to list what has been going on. I’m not sure if I can put this together properly.
1. Friday and Saturday my Mom spent the night here at my house. It was fun. I didn’t realize until we stayed up until 2 am the first night talking just how lonely for adult company I have been. When Alex has a night off he usually is so tired he sleeps. Or he needs some time alone. Or we are on different sleep schedules so we don’t see much of each other. I am lonely.
2. The alternative school that I have been trying to get Nathan into called and left a message. They have a slot open and want to interview him. I have been trying to get in touch with the woman who called and I keep getting her voice mail. It’s frustrating, but I hope it works out. He is not doing well at the school he’s in and I really want him out of there. Now I realize why my parents spent so much money sending us to private schools.
3. My Mom found a house she likes. It is not too far from me. She took me, Nathan and Polly to look at it. I called an old Realtor friend of ours and she drove over and let us in. She remembered us even though it has been ten years since we last spoke. My Mom looked around carefully and made an offer. They counter offered and my mom accepted. So now we wait for the inspection. I am happy for her, but trying not to get my hopes up. Her doctor says she needs to have surgery on her thumbs. She has osteoarthritis and is having a hard time using her hands. If she decides to have the surgery at least I’ll be able to get to her on the bus within 10 minutes. I am not looking forward to moving her again. She promised me she’d pay someone to move her next time after the last move from hell. I hope she remembers that promise.
4. I am not sure if I should call my doctor and tell her about the recent depression and panic I’ve been stuck in, or ride it out for awhile and hope it goes away. I need something to throw myself into but I’m finding it hard to focus on any one thing for long.
5. I ran into my former best friend the other day. We were best friends for six years. He was my rock, the one I could always count on, the one I could call anytime I needed to talk, even if it was the middle of the night. Things went horribly wrong a little over three years ago. I haven’t talked to him since. I was walking to the bus stop and he was walking towards me. He nodded in recognition and I glared in his direction and picked up the pace. I ended up walking east when I was supposed to be heading west. I stopped off at a 7-11 even though I needed nothing from the store. I was shaking. I don’t know where all that rage came from. I thought I had totally gotten over that. I hadn’t expected to get my heart broken over a platonic friendship but I did. I haven’t attempted friendship since. I still miss him sometimes. We used to be able to talk about everything and I felt it was okay to just be me. Sometimes I’ll think of something I want to tell him and then the reality sinks in that I can’t call him anymore. I have been having dreams with him there ever since that two second encounter. In my dreams we can talk. In real life I want to hide.
6. I haven’t given up my plans for school. I need to fill out the financial aid forms and really be on top of registration this time. I won’t let this illness win. I feel like a kid in a candy store when I read the course catalogue for college. I am hungry to learn. I must be brave. I must carry on.