I could go on ad nauseam about the three hours I spent in my yard yesterday weeding and planting flowers, but that would probably be boring to read about. I will tell you that my lavender is blooming, and that always makes me happy. Speaking of weed, I found this link over at Dooce’s and laughed my head off watching it. It reminds me of the time a certain woman I know, who shall remain nameless in case she ever wants to run for public office, got stoned and freaked out because she thought her cat had eaten a poisonous plant. She picked up the phone to dial for help, but she couldn’t get through. Her husband found her dialing 991 over and over and wisely took the phone from her.

After I got done in the yard I was covered in mud so I decided to take a shower. The exact moment my clothes were off my cell phone started ringing. Yes, I bring my phone with me everywhere even into the bathroom; otherwise Polly will get a hold of it and send 400 text messages and place two or three calls to Bhutan as well. It was my Mom, who I could tell was driving because she literally screams into the phone when she’s in the car. “I am two blocks away from your house and I need to pee, can I come over?”

I can’t exactly say no, so I wrapped myself in a towel, and went to let her in. She opened her car door and motioned for me to come out. Front yard naked except for a towel action is one way to get to know my neighbors but I shook my head no.

Nathan went out there to help her because she had all of these bags in her hands and she needed help carrying them.

The bags ended up being everything she could collect from around her apartment that didn’t work properly.

I am, admittedly, a breaker of things. Alex is the fixer of said items. That’s just the way it is. I was, however, able to quickly deduce that everything she had brought was suffering from a case of the dead battery. She was so thrilled by my solution (!) to the problem that she wanted to go to the store at that very minute.

I pointed out that I needed to shower and she told me I looked great; I just needed to pull some clothes on. I am streaked with mud and there are those things that fall from the tree in our front yard (I have no idea what they are called) stuck in my hair.

So I get in the shower. When I get out she has paid each of my children five dollars to clean their rooms. Nathan got off easy because his room was already clean, but Polly’s room is never really clean unless I do it. She ended up giving Polly’s five dollars to me to hold until the room is finished.

As we were on our way to the store my mom mentions casually that she just placed an offer on a house. I am surprised because she always has me walk through the places she’s considering buying. It ends up being a house, with a guest house behind it, on a half acre. I smell something fishy when I hear the price and she reluctantly allows that it’s “a bit of a fixer”.

After the hell I just went through with her last house I made her promise me two things: That she would never, ever, buy another fixer upper, and that she would pay someone to move her stuff next time. Hold on a minute; I am going to enroll in college full time and I’ll be right back.

Anyway, after the store my mom asked me if I needed to go anywhere else, forgetting that it was her who needed batteries. I said no, but Nathan starts begging for McDonald’s from the backseat. I protested but my mom never listens to me so through the drive thru we went. Plus side, I didn’t have to cook dinner.

Boy this came out boring anyway, didn’t it? Sorry about that. Maybe tomorrow I’ll write out the story of the time I went out for a pizza and ended up with a gun held to my head.

Meanwhile, I’m off to see if I can finally master the fine art of folding fitted sheets. If I wasn’t married, I’d totally be actively pursuing Martha Stewart.