I ended up working again yesterday so I am relaxing today. I’ll be back soon with a real entry.

I am doing well. I’ve just been insanely busy with work and ripping down our fence so that Alex could put a new one up. This is, as you might have guessed, not as easy at we thought it would be when we ordered the wood. Crazy times. I have to work tomorrow and then I’ll have a few days off. I can’t wait.

I am currently watching “Melinda and Melinda”. The title of this post is from the movie.

I haven’t been writing because I’ve been processing.

I had an appointment with a surgeon/gynecologist and she said that I need to have a hysterectomy asap. I told her that I needed some time to think it over, to get a second opinion even. I called my sister (opinion #2), I called my Mom (opinion #3). I made an appointment with another doctor. She can’t see me until September 10th. I can’t think of any reason why I don’t want to have this surgery done except for I don’t want to. Is that a a reason? It counts in my book.

I have been working a lot which is good. I get obsessive about things sometimes. I don’t want to think about surgery. I can’t imagine my kids with their mother recovering from major surgery for ? weeks. I was all ready to go in to this doctor and argue my right to have a tubal ligation even though she practices out of a Catholic hospital. I was fire and brimstone and mad at the pope for thinking that he can make such choices for the masses. It didn’t matter in the end. She wants to take it all out.

For those of you searching for how and where Brett Reider and his family are now, the answers and photos are HERE .

My current entry, Brett Reider Is Alive and Doing Well , gives the conclusion to my search for answers.

I have had numerous hits to my site from people who are wondering what ever happened to Brett Reider, the young man who was featured in the documentary about his life, Brett Killed Mom: A Sister’s Story, that aired on HBO. I wrote about my feelings after watching the documentary here.

I drank two large glasses of water before heading to the doctor on Thursday, and because it was hot and I was still thirsty, I bought and drank a diet coke on the way. When I got to my doctor’s waiting room I was ready to pee. I signed in and waited, and waited. After 45 minutes I went up to the desk and asked if I’d possibly been forgotten. “Why are you here?”, the woman who had checked me in when I arrived asked. I told her and she said that the lab was really backed up. I wanted to argue that I didn’t care what was going on in the lab; I just wanted to pee in a cup and leave and they could deal with it when they had time. Instead I sat back down. A patient came in and after checking in at the counter the woman said, “Please have a seat” and the patient turned around and roared, “I can’t have a seat! When I sit down I get narcoleptic!” I began laughing that horrible laugh that you try to hide and having to pee so badly wasn’t actually helping matters. They finally let me pee in a cup after waiting an hour. I haven’t heard anything except I received a prescription for Bactrim that my doctor faxed into the pharmacy and now I am feeling better thankfully.

I guess Maggie’s ears are getting ready to stick up. Well, one of them is trying. I thought she just had a funny looking ear, but Alex researched it and said that if her ears weren’t up completely by the time she turns 5 months we are supposed to tape them up. I said that wasn’t going to happen. Who cares if she has funny looking floppy ears?

I haven’t been able to write because I’ve had a horrible urinary tract infection. My days have been spent running back and forth to the toilet. Thankfully Alex was home all weekend to help me with Maggie. I think that if I’d had to take her out 101 times a day I would have been squatting down to pee right beside her, neighbors be damned.

I should be back to writing this evening. My Mom bought a new house and she’s begging me to come over to see it. Maybe I’ll just wear a diaper in the car. Hey, if astronauts can do it, we can all do it!

Sorry I haven’t answered e-mails much or my comments. I was reading them. Thank you Belle and MissCrankyPants!!!xxoo

There are times, like when I am scrubbing dog shit out of the carpet, when I wonder how in the hell I expected this puppy to help me with my depression. Then there are other times when she is cuddling me, or chewing on her squeaky squirrel, or running along beside me on her leash, when I think, YES! this is what I wanted.

Maggie is doing well. Housetraining is about as fun as I expected. Sometimes she does very well using the yard to go potty and other times when Alex and I can’t figure out how we could have taken her outside for an hour only to have her come inside and crap on the floor. In the beginning, when we were doing research about caring for a puppy, Alex would mention crate training. I didn’t want to do it because I thought it was mean. By Tuesday, I was asking Alex, so what about this crate training? To my surprise, Maggie actually likes sleeping in her crate. And I like being able to sleep through the night. Except for last night when she cried so hard at 3 in the morning that I had to take her bleary eyed to the yard to pee. But that was only one time. The first few nights we were in and out of the door so many times that I was getting loopy from lack of sleep. I am happy that Alex has some time off work right now because oh my god this is wearing me out. At least with my babies I didn’t have to do much besides change their diapers and fling a breast in their faces. Well. Nathan’s face. With Polly I could nurse because I had to go on medication for the crazy as soon as she was born, and yes, I still have guilt about not having been able to breastfeed her.

Today I have to go to work and Alex will be caring for Maggie. I should be in the shower right now, in fact. One more day of work and then I get the weekend off. I am so tired. My doctor has decided to wean me off the Effexor and onto Paxil. I know she’s doing the right thing, because although the depression is manageable most days my anxiety level is so high I want to eat my Klonopin like Pez. I am just tired of this whole thing. Tired of having these illnesses, tired of swallowing pills that don’t work, tired of talking to psychiatrists. Tired in general. I just want to be better. Even me, a nonbeliever, if I saw Jesus walking by I might make a grab for the hem of his robe, just in case.