There are times, like when I am scrubbing dog shit out of the carpet, when I wonder how in the hell I expected this puppy to help me with my depression. Then there are other times when she is cuddling me, or chewing on her squeaky squirrel, or running along beside me on her leash, when I think, YES! this is what I wanted.

Maggie is doing well. Housetraining is about as fun as I expected. Sometimes she does very well using the yard to go potty and other times when Alex and I can’t figure out how we could have taken her outside for an hour only to have her come inside and crap on the floor. In the beginning, when we were doing research about caring for a puppy, Alex would mention crate training. I didn’t want to do it because I thought it was mean. By Tuesday, I was asking Alex, so what about this crate training? To my surprise, Maggie actually likes sleeping in her crate. And I like being able to sleep through the night. Except for last night when she cried so hard at 3 in the morning that I had to take her bleary eyed to the yard to pee. But that was only one time. The first few nights we were in and out of the door so many times that I was getting loopy from lack of sleep. I am happy that Alex has some time off work right now because oh my god this is wearing me out. At least with my babies I didn’t have to do much besides change their diapers and fling a breast in their faces. Well. Nathan’s face. With Polly I could nurse because I had to go on medication for the crazy as soon as she was born, and yes, I still have guilt about not having been able to breastfeed her.

Today I have to go to work and Alex will be caring for Maggie. I should be in the shower right now, in fact. One more day of work and then I get the weekend off. I am so tired. My doctor has decided to wean me off the Effexor and onto Paxil. I know she’s doing the right thing, because although the depression is manageable most days my anxiety level is so high I want to eat my Klonopin like Pez. I am just tired of this whole thing. Tired of having these illnesses, tired of swallowing pills that don’t work, tired of talking to psychiatrists. Tired in general. I just want to be better. Even me, a nonbeliever, if I saw Jesus walking by I might make a grab for the hem of his robe, just in case.