I had my appointment yesterday with a highly recommended surgeon/OB/GYN. I asked a lot of questions and she sat and talked with me for a long time. I wanted to just flat out ask her what I should do. Instead she got out a piece of paper and wrote out the problems that I have been having, the treatment options available, and the pros and cons of each. Everything points to my having a hysterectomy. She told me to take some time to think and she would have someone call and check on me soon to see if I had made my decision. If I decide to do it they schedule it ASAP.
When I arrived home I gave Alex the brochures she had given me and he set them aside without looking at them. I felt mad all of the sudden. I started thinking about how he hadn’t thought to call me to see how my appointment went even though he knew I was scared about it. I took Maggie into the backyard and sat in the corner of the yard near the shed where I hoped no one in the world could see me and I cried for awhile. Polly came out back and I dried my eyes quickly. She asked me what was wrong and I just told her that I was feeling stressed because I had a big decision to make. I went back inside and tried to do normal things like dishes but I kept feeling these waves of sadness come over me. Alex approached me and told me not to be so “mopey” because apparently I had scared Polly and she had gone to him to ask what was wrong with me. I tried to tell Alex that I was scared and confused and he patted me and told me that everything would be OK. He ordered pizza so I wouldn’t have to cook and I got into the shower and wept until I could cry no more. This is the worst possible time for me to be weaning myself off of Effexor as I was weepy before my appointment.
Later I was reading some article about Britney Spears’ performance and how she looked “fat” and I started to cry again. I’ve never even been a fan of her music but I had this idea of this young woman who had just had two children and a divorce in a very short period of time and of how nervous she must have been about this “comeback” performance and the whole thing seemed so horrible to me, that people would come right out and mock her body like that when she has obviously been going through a hard time and who hasn’t felt like shaving all of their fucking hair off? Hell, I’ve done it!
Then I realized that I was crying over Britney Spears. Alex suggested that I have a drink of the alcoholic variety and lie down on the bed. He came in and stretched out beside me and I reached for him and he held me while I cried (AGAIN!) until my head ached. Then I went to sleep and dreamed that I opened up my own bakery and it was a huge success. This morning he let me sleep in and he took Polly to school so I could stay in bed as long as I wanted to.
Today I feel better. Polly took the photo of me I put up, by the way. She has decided that she wants to be a professional photographer as she feels she has “an eye” for it. I love it when my kids display confidence, even though I let her borrow my camera and she returned it with 379 photos on it and only three of them weren’t blurry. I told her that they were wonderful and she beamed. She told me that after taking photos of me she noticed that I had an “unusual” chin and I noticed that hey, my hair probably would look a lot better if I did take the hour to use a flatiron but Nah.
Comment by Swistle
September 12, 2007 @ 11:55 am
Hello–I clicked over from Plain Jane.
That picture really is a great one! Maybe she DOES have “an eye” and only needs to work on “a hand.” I have trouble holding a camera steady, too.
The Britney “fat” thing rips me up, too.
I’m sorry about your decision to make. I would be sad, too.
I love Polly’s name. I knew I liked the name, but when I saw it in casual use in your post I realized I loved it.
Comment by linde
September 12, 2007 @ 1:07 pm
I do know how you feel. When I was 34 I had to have my uterus removed. It was also when I found out that I could never have children. Loooong story….but it was a huge double blow for me.
I turned fifty the other day. It’s been a long time ago. My emotions were the same as yours.
My poor kitchen and husband suffered. When I’d get mad, I’d make soup or bread. I know it sounds silly but it did help. It was ninja cooking…..lol. I’d chop and slam the food into the pot. I’d knead…and knead and knead some more. I’d cry and knead. I used lots and lots of onions and hot peppers in my soups. I’d say f— it and throw a cup of peanut butter in my soups.
I wanted to know where my uterus was going to go. The doctor was vague. That bothered me.
When I had the surgery….I awoke on the maternity floor and I was totally livid. I’m still livid about that.
BUT…I DO feel better. I don’t have to plan around periods. I have a pristine mattress. I wear light colored pants without worrying. I don’t have two or more weeks of feeling totally depleted. Sex is the same if not better. My depression was way worse then. It took a few years of being pi$$ed before the depression got better..but it did. It didn’t go away entirely…but went many points down the scale for sure.
Hang in there….