Have You Called Jenny Yet?

The last time that I was at my doctor’s office we spent a little bit of time talking about my chronic back pain. She asked me if I had ever tried wearing a back brace. I told her that I had tried the black ones, with the straps that go over your shoulders, but it kept riding up and I could never get it to fit properly, so I would take it off. “Yeah”, she said, “those are really only designed for thin people with no curves.” She then asked me if I had ever worn a truss, and the image that popped into my mind was one of a medieval torture device. She was in a hurry to end our visit, as she had been with me for awhile, so she scribbled out a prescription for one and said it was worth a try to see if my insurance would cover it.

Intrigued, I looked it up on the internet when I got home. I found this definition for truss: An appliance designed to prevent the return of a reduced hernia or the increase in size of a hernia; it consists of a pad attached to a belt and kept in place by a spring or straps.

I also found that they sell them on Amazon, complete with a hole so I can put my penis through if need be.

Thinking that a truss wasn’t what I really needed and learning from my insurance company that they don’t cover such things; I continued looking around online. I decided on this.

 

It had a claim that it was easy to get on, with extra “give and stretch”, and there was a photo of a smiling flat stomached woman with the words underneath “Lose Ten Lbs. in Ten minutes !” I figured it would be a good choice, given the fact that it was a bra, a tummy flattener and underwear all in one, complete with those snaps at the crotch so you can use the toilet easily, or have a quickie, if you’re lucky.

When the package arrived from Amazon I went into the bathroom to try it on, with high hopes of emerging with no muffin top. Oh, and a fully supported back that wouldn’t ache so much. I was being highly superficial, I admit. I opened up the box and there I saw it. On top of the carefully folded body shaper there was a coupon. I picked it up. It was a coupon for Hormel lunch meat, complete with a photo of a piled high sandwich.

Now I don’t know about most people, but I sat and thought about the coupon. I wonder, does everyone get this coupon, or are they reserved for chubby women trying to look ten pounds slimmer? If you order Slimfast do they place a coupon for Twinkies on top of your purchase? I envisioned a room with drop dead gorgeous women in it, their long shiny hair glistening as their perfect abs contract from the giggles they can’t stifle as they place these coupons on top of “body shapers”.

The last time that I tried to wear an undergarment that offered support in the stomach it was Christmas dinner at my mom’s. As I was wearing a new dress, I put on the Spanx I had purchased with it. I felt great, as if I could wear this beautiful dress without worrying about my tummy bulge. I soon learned that even though the Spanx were the style that you wear up underneath your bra, mine kept rolling down, creating this area between bra and Spanx where all of my excess weight had accumulated into a flattering bulge. I felt like the Michelin Tire Man. Excusing myself to the bathroom a few times to pull the Spanx up didn’t work, as they rolled back down after I had moved around in them for awhile. I ended up taking them off and shoving them into my purse. I vowed to never wear them again.

I had selected my new body shaper by bra size as instructed. I stepped into it like a pair of underwear. I made it to my hips when the stretchy tight material dug in so deeply I was breathless from the pain. Not one to give up easily, I pulled it off and tried putting it on over my head. That was a big mistake. I ended up stuck, with the material trapping me like a huge elastic band, both of my arms frozen above my head. It was at that moment I realized how I was going to lose 10 pounds in 10 minutes, sweating. I looked at myself in the mirror, red faced, marks on my skin wear the elastic had dug into me. I struggled to pull it off and threw the thing across the room.

I redressed in my regular clothes and went online. I researched tummy tucks for awhile, convinced that was going to be the only answer for a flat stomach. I looked at the before and after photos. I checked prices. I thought about the episodes of Doctor 90210 I had sat through, the ones where the surgeons tell the patients that it isn’t their fault that their stomachs are they way they are, it’s the damage caused by pregnancy. They tell them that underneath that loose skin they are thin. They mention the need to recreate their “internal corset”. I want a new internal corset.

I was finally able to log off and shake the idea out of my head. I took Maggie for a walk. I will have to find another way to support my back, but for now I am going to stop wasting time and money trying to squeeze into anything that restricts my breathing.

Tagged as: back pain, body shapers, self esteem, Spanx, weight issues