First, a big thank you to Robyn for linking to me and sending so many readers my way. It is very exciting to have someone I have been reading for so many years find my journal and recommend it.
I have been answering a larger than normal array of emails, which has been fun, really, as I like to get to know my readers better. Due to the fact that I have publicly shared my own battles with child abuse and drug addiction, depression and panic disorder, it is not uncommon for people to tell me of their own struggles. What I haven’t learned is how to achieve a balance between writing here and answering email. So here I am again, and if you’re still waiting for a response from me I hope to get caught up on all email this weekend.
From the comments: Lori, thank you for pointing out your new url. I was indeed wondering where you had gone and was about to get all stalkerish and email you. MichelleW why oh why didn’t I know about the pain that is Spanx before I wasted my money? I should have known better when the overenthusiastic woman at the clothing store kept pushing them on me, telling me that, “Oprah recommended them” and “She’s got like a trillion dollars and can have the best of anything so you know if she’s using them they must be good…”
Belle, I loved this line , “As long as it holds the fluff in and the straps are wide enough, I’m happy!” Fluff! I might have to borrow that word.
In other news, I have had a rough week with the depression and the anxiety. Sometimes I can go quite some time forgetting I even have panic attacks and then bang! one will hit, hard. The same goes for my depression. I could feel myself slipping lower and lower after my nanny died so I thought it was related to that. I emailed my favorite cousin because chatting with him always makes me feel better and he wrote back describing the funeral and I felt worse. It is hard to be so far away from family.
I contacted my doctor and she wanted to speak with me again face to face. I told her about the constant sadness, the thoughts of suicide, the never ending anxiety , and the panic attacks that come from nowhere and I can’t seem to calm down. She likes to play around with my medication so I didn’t even want to be there, even though I really like my doctor, and not only because she uses google when she can’t remember something. She’ll just log on to the computer while we’re talking and double check something. I don’t know why I find that endearing but it might have something to do with the fact that she doesn’t hide it, she’s just human. Plus, she laughs at my jokes. That is a big requirement in a doctor.
I have been smoking so much lately that I have a permanent wheeze. My doctor asked me to try Chantix. The only problem is Chantix has been linked to depression and suicide. I went ahead and filled the prescription. When the pharmacist called me over for a consult, she asked more questions than she ever has, “What other methods had I tried?” Well, I tried cold turkey but I am a vegetarian, so that one didn’t work and I tried Wellbutrin but my anxiety went up so much I stopped it after a month because my smoking doubled, and I tried the gum, but I could remember to tuck it into my cheek, I kept chewing it, and I tried the nicotine patches but they didn’t work either. She asked if I had nightmares while using the patches and I said no, but as I told her, I had the wildest, sexist dreams I have ever had in my life. Seriously. I almost kept using the patch for the aphrodisiac properties. That was all I needed to say. Drug stuffed in bag and I was out the door.
I am committed to getting healthier. The photo above shows me starting the day with a well rounded breakfast. Alex brought cookies home because they were left over from some meeting he had at work. Waste is wrong and I had to have one.
Comment by Sarah
February 2, 2008 @ 10:43 am
My absolute favorite part of using the Patch was the crazy, vivid, at times erotic dreams I’d have. It didn’t work to end my smoking habit, but boy, those dreams were amazing.
Comment by Tammy
February 2, 2008 @ 11:01 am
Hi Sarah!
I agree. The dreams were awesome. I actually looked forward to going to bed when I was on the patch. Did you end up quitting smoking with another method?
Comment by K
February 2, 2008 @ 4:03 pm
LMAO. I’ve never smoked but might pick myself up some patches for the hell of it. (but I do hope you are successful in stopping—good vibes coming your way)
Hope you’re doing better.
Comment by Belle
February 2, 2008 @ 5:21 pm
Oh, dear. I’m sorry to hear of the depression and panic attacks rearing their ugly heads again. Here’s hoping you get some relief soon.
Have you tried acupuncture or hypnosis to quit smoking? I had immediate success with the hypnosis (one-on-one with a pyschologist, not the group thingee) but I did start up again after a year when I was going through a major post-partum depression. Tried it again, and nada. Perhaps it works well the first time only. I know people that have been successful with acupuncture but I just think you have to get lucky and find the one that works for you. Keep us posted on the Chantix.
Hang in there, kiddo.
Comment by Tammy
February 2, 2008 @ 6:30 pm
K, I am telling you these dreams were so good I could have written a best selling book of erotica out of them. Why didn’t I think of that then? Thanks for the good vibes.
Hi Belle
The depression and panic do seem to be subsiding. I did eat a good breakfast after the cookie. I am trying to see if part of this suffering might be related to drops in blood sugar.
I’ve had acupressure (for my back pain), but never acupuncture. I had one psychologist try to hypnotize me, but he gave me the creeps so I just pretended. I really wish my insurance covered alternative treatments.
So Belle, were you able to quit smoking after starting up again? The only times I have been successful at quitting were the months I was pregnant. I could stay pregnant for the rest of my life, but that would suck. But it might be a good show on TLC. Tammy With 20!
Thanks for the nice thoughts Belle.
Comment by Belle
February 3, 2008 @ 1:33 pm
Tammy, I will e-mail you.
Comment by Thursday
February 4, 2008 @ 9:40 am
I am SO glad that a) I found you recently (I can’t remember how, it could have been via Better Now). You are an amazing and compelling writer and b) I am not the only one to have wild, erotic dreams when on nicotine patches. Strangely, I’ve been thinking of trying the patches again (I failed to keep up the non-smoking thing) but I’d completely forgotten about the dreams. I’m now looking forward to trying again, thank you!
Comment by Tammy
February 4, 2008 @ 1:55 pm
Hi Thursday, It is nice to hear from you. Thank you for the kind words.
Yes to wild erotic dreams! Seriously, I should have written those down. I’m hoping they come back.
I like your site too. You photos are beautiful. I would love to learn how to do that.
Tammy
Comment by Michelle W.
February 6, 2008 @ 10:36 pm
Tammy–I recently thought I had quit smoking…because I thought I was pregnant…because I couldn’t smoke….and began eating because I wasn’t smoking….because I thought I was pregnant….and could eat a lot and it be okay. Well…let me just say….I have started eating my cigarrettes! Just kidding! But seriously! Not pregnant…still smoking and eating! WHEN AM I GOING TO HAVE A DECENT EXCUSE FOR ALL OF MY UNHEALTHY VICES? OF ALL THE UNMITIGATED GALL!
I am on Wellbutrin….been on that for about 10 months. I’m not sure it’s working…considering that my 9 year old snuck up on me in the middle of the night to get into my bed and I don’t sleep well anyway…and well frankly, it scared the living shit out of me…her looking all “stalkerish” and two inches from my face and all when I opened my eyes…I thought she was a murderer for God sakes, and i screamed at her at the top of my lungs…”HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO CREEP UP ON ME LIKE THAT? ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?! GO TO YOUR BED!” (something to that effect) Then, I threw my head on the pillow and was like, ….well, hell…..I guess I need to go and fix that little heart breaking debacle. It may have been a bit drastic…being that she was crying hysterically and all. I’m a terrible mother….I mean, afterall, I did stay up half the night running between the front door, to the back door, to the weather channel–fearing for our lives due to the tornados (in which I think the death toll is now at 50). AND I did have to shove her into a closet at midnight….so, add closet, me screaming cuss words at her, tornados—-not a good time. I’d have to say my Well butrin is not working very damn well!!!
As usual, love your posts…love talking to you….so much!
Michelle W.
Comment by Michelle W.
February 6, 2008 @ 10:39 pm
Oh, and I forgot to tell you that i did try the patch once…and was in the floor in the fetal position very very sick from that…..it may be because I used one on each arm….you know, to be symmetrical and everything…and they were like the extra extra versions. Oh well….Like I said….any excuse to have a vice I will take!