Thank you for your responses to my latest query. I saw a little of myself in everyone’s comments. I especially enjoyed the vision of Cynthea’s husband carefully selecting his coins for each day.

I realized lately that I can learn a lot about where I am presently at with my anxiety level based on which bag I select to leave the house with. I have a large Timbuktu messenger bag that holds everything I need and then some, a medium size Kipling bag that holds everything that I need but not some of the stranger things I feel that I must have when I am particularly panic ridden, i.e. a complete change of clothes, a large water bottle, several different choices of reading material etc., and a small purse from The Sak that is tiny but if I am feeling very good and not so dependent I can tuck in ID and bank card, cash and coins, lipgloss (I have a thing for lipgloss, especially the sets. I can never have enough varieties and when I flip through the Sephora catalog I go crazy with lust for the sets of different colors), keys, cell phone, cigarettes and a lighter. I am Goldilocks and the three bags, but it depends on the day which one is just right.

Basically my number one security item is the Klonopin tablets that I photographed for the header of this site, although the pills pictured are .5 mg and I am now carrying 1mg. tablets; they are green. I always carry these in the pill holder Alex bought me and I keep them in my pocket. I have had my purse stolen three times ,so when I select a purse for purchase it must have a long strap so I can wear it over my head. The purse snatching might sound alarming but the first two times it happened were a direct result of me being out in public and under the influence of death-be-awaiting quantities of alcohol and drugs. I was wasted to the point that people were able to rob me and I didn’t notice until later. I blame myself for those incidents.

The third time I was preparing to leave the house for the first time with two children instead of just Nathan. I was a bit daunted by all that I had to carry for a simple trip to the store. I had Polly’s diaper bag packed; Polly was in her infant carrier; Nathan was ready to go. I carried out the diaper bag and my purse and set them on the swing on the front porch and then went back inside to get the kids. When I came out my purse was gone. I was so stunned I sat down on the front steps and just stared at the sidewalk as Nathan ran back and forth asking when we were leaving. Not even 15 minutes passed before a young man approached my house, looking from my ID card up at the numbers on the houses.

The man spoke. “I was walking by the empty lot around the corner and I saw a purse with things strewn out everywhere. I collected the items and followed the address to return the purse.” His voice seemed shaky and I felt bewildered until he said, “I, um, saw your, um, things, um, everywhere, and I, um, picked them all up for you.” I was confused until I realized that I was still bleeding from Polly’s birth. I had shoved a large quantity of pads into my purse and he felt uncomfortable calling them by name. He probably felt uncomfortable picking them up too, but he did it. I felt embarrassed that he knew. I thanked him and smiled, relief washing over me as I realized I wouldn’t have to replace all of my cards. I wondered if I was supposed to offer him some sort of award or something but he just asked me if I was OK and walked away when I said I was.

That morning when I was getting ready I had shoved $200 I was planning on bringing with me to the store into the pocket of my jeans. I don’t know why I did that because usually I placed it in my purse. This was 1995, before Alex and I started relying on debit cards and only carrying small amounts of cash. The thief had gained about two dollars in coins for their efforts. I imagined this person throwing super sized maxi pads around in anger. I gathered my things and went to the store as planned. I never felt the same about my front porch again, realizing that someone could and would travel the fourteen stairs to steal something from me in less than two minutes. I imagined them waiting, watching for me to slip up again, but I didn’t know where they were hiding. I just knew that they were out there, somewhere.