I have had a few interviews now. I have applied for so many jobs that I can’t keep them all straight and sometimes when someone calls and says ,”Hi, this is Jude” and then starts talking away I am wondering,  “Jude from where?”

I should have kept records. Anyway, I am liking the over the phone interviews. I think that in many situations time can be saved on both sides with a preliminary phone interview. Case in point: the woman who asked me if I wanted a position on call, rotating shifts. The money was very good and the benefits package was better than anything I’ve ever had but the truth is that the job is 90 minutes away by bus and since our buses don’t run 24/7 I had to answer honestly when she asked me if I could jump up and rush to work at a moments notice if she called at say 3 a.m. I thought that even if it was bus accessible I would be a nervous wreck with an on call job. There is no one in the world I want to talk to at 3 a.m anyway. Sometimes I miss the days when only drug dealers and doctors had cell phones or pagers. Now we are so accessible.

I had an interview last week, I can’t remember the day now. Anyway, I was on the phone with the boss/man who called and I had gone up to Alex’s and my bedroom to try to get away from the kids and the pets for a bit of quiet. Alex came upstairs and heard me refer to the man as ChefHisName. When I hung up the phone Alex made a crack about it. I told him that it was something I’d encountered before and it didn’t bother me. Certain chefs will demand to be referred to as Chef whatever and others don’t care. There is also the whole thing in kitchens about who gets to wear which uniform and who gets the big hat and the in between size hat and who gets no hat at all. I have actually witnessed arguments amongst cooks when one feels that the other is wearing a hat he hasn’t earned. It’s sort of like the Catholic church and the priests, bishops and the pope. It’s all in the special hats. Look next time. I personally don’t need a hat so I just put my hair in a bun with a hairnet over the top.

Anyway, he must have liked whatever I said on the phone because he asked to meet with me in person. I arrived early, even getting off a few stops ahead of the place so that I could have a cold drink, work on my breathing for relaxing as I get very nervous in these situations, and to have a cigarette (oh by the way Chantix isn’t a magic pill and you have to actually want to quit smoking and I really was more determined to cut down, not to quit, so I quit taking them after a month. )

I’m so frazzled lately I can hardly focus. I read my resume over few times because the jobs I did in the 80s and early 90s? I wasn’t so sure I’d remember everything. I decided to enter 20 minutes before the interview because nerves+ cold drink= must pee. The woman at the entrance greeted me and I told her that I was there for an interview with ChefhHisName and could she please point me in the direction of the facilities? I was only in there for a few minutes and when I walked out the door ChefHisName thrust his hand out and shook mine vigorously. I had this moment of panic that maybe my hands weren’t all the way dry. Maybe there was some moisture between my fingers and he had felt that when he shook my hand. Another woman in a uniform met up with us as we walked toward the breakroom and I noticed how fast the employees were all moving and I realized that I have been out of the professional kitchen for a few years and my speed walk has turned into a saunter.

After we had all sat down the questions began. I had carefully thought this out beforehand so I would be ready with the “Why did you take a break from working?” to the “What is your best feature” and “What is your biggest flaw?” I’ve always hated the questions they ask in interviews. I know that you’re supposed to flip the answer around to a positive i.e. “I am a perfectionist” but I hate that shit. I had also researched the place online in case they asked me questions about it but this guy caught me off my guard by opening the interview with, “Why are you applying for this position? You are way overqualified.”

I told him that I was attracted to the schedule. It’s a Mon-Fri gig on the day shift. I mentioned that when I was baking it was 18-20 hours a day during the holidays and then I was lucky to get 20 hours a week during the off seasons. He seemed satisfied with that and after he had talked with me awhile he let the don’tcallmechefwoman ask me her questions. The whole thing was pretty quick. The chef said he’d like to cross train me so I could fill other stations and I said that was fine. We talked about wages and benefits and the fact that if I am a felon I might as let them know because they were going to run and background check and oh by the way you have to take a UA. I said that was fine and he said that as far as he was concerned he wanted to hire me right then and there but they still had two more people coming in so call Tuesday (tomorrow) morning and he will give the yes or no.

I don’t know why but I have been extremely nervous about it. I am nervous that I won’t get it, and nervous that I will. I have kept on searching just in case and I have felt frozen when it came to trying to write. I am worried that my back can’t do this type of work anymore and fretting because I don’t know how to do anything else.

That’s all for now. I just thought it might be helpful to jot this down as it’s something that is difficult for me, this going out into the real world and hoping that I can control my anxiety and depression enough so that neither of them will interfere with my ability to do my job . As much as I believe that the stigma surrounding mental illness needs to be lifted, I don’t want to be a spokesperson or a poster child for it in a work setting.