I have been feeling out of sorts since I started working again. I think that it has something to do with being now forced out of my self imposed isolation back into life. I see people socializing everywhere around me; groups at fine restaurants with candlelight faces, huddles over morning coffee and scones. I feel at times a pull to be a part of a group once again. I haven’t been able to maintain a friendship in years. I don’t want to have to explain my sometimes total lack of ability to function. The real me shows through the cracks on the surface anyway. A coworker stops me at work the other night, “What’s wrong?” I told him I was just feeling mad, but then he wanted to know why, and I could only shrug and turn my face down until he walked away. I was hot, tired, had been in front of the oven for hours, and I was longing for a chance to take a break and to get something to drink. I thought of asking him to bring me some water but I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave the oven because otherwise I would burn something, and I couldn’t ask a fellow worker for a glass of water. He stopped by later and glanced at my face, checking for something. He broke out in the biggest smile I’ve seen in ages and I surprised myself by smiling back; a real smile. I searched for some meaning in the smiles but shoved it away, knowing my tendency to over think everything.
“I feel as if I have been standing in front of this oven for hours and hours.” I told him. “That’s because you have”, was his reply, because there are no clocks up there by the oven and I wasn’t really sure how long it had been. It was a busy night and time flew by.
Later he tried to arrange for me to get a ride home when I was finished but I brushed him off, telling him I had a bus to catch. I don’t want to get close to anyone again. I don’t want to make friends or have other people being concerned about my well being. I just want to hide in plain view.
Comment by Ashleas
June 4, 2008 @ 11:58 am
That’s how I feel too. Since I broke up with my second boyfriend, all my friends from High School essentially abandoned me. I never hear from them and I don’t care to reach out to them after how they treated me. My two best friends are at different colleges and we rarely talk anymore.. I never hear from them really when we’re all home now. Just drifted apart I guess. Out of my college friends.. One ended up a poisonous train wreck, One lived off campus and has his own life.. one graduated and my best friend, my roommate, is currently at home, but she graduates in December. Nobody tries to reach me.. and I’m content. I too feel the desire to be apart of a group, to have people to eat lunch with on a regular basis.
My Dad’s dying and I have this great desire to shout it out to everyone, to break down in tears in front of the entire student union, to just run away.. but I don’t want the attention. I do, and I don’t and I’m damned if I do, Damned if I don’t. I don’t want to go home and deal with him or my mother or my grandparents. I want to shut myself up in my room, only emerging to work at a place where I can develop a team.. but no real friends.
I know the feeling and I too, want to hide in plain view. Go ahead and try to reach me.. show you care enough to try more than once and maybe I’ll give you a smile too.
Man this is an emo post about myself.. I just wanted to share my feelings and that I too feel the same.
Comment by Bonnie
June 5, 2008 @ 8:30 am
A while back I was going through a really hard time financially and didn’t even have money for food for several days.
I came to work one of those days when I hadn’t eaten anything that day or the day before and as I walked by his desk, a co-worker I have known and liked forever offered me half of his sub and I just smiled and said “No thanks” even though I was starving.
Makes no sense, but I hear ya.
<3