I have known for quite some time that I have been drinking too much. There is admitting it to yourself and then there is the part where you actually admit it to yourself. I don’t know how to describe the difference. I guess I can say that although I knew that at times I was being excessive with it, I wasn’t willing to take any steps to change my behavior until I started to notice that alcohol was having negative effects on my life. So I decided to stop. I had a really bad headache for about four days and that gnawing anxiety like I was going to just chew my arm off if I didn’t get a drink into me, and quick, but now I am feeling better.
Now I can see things like how I always planned out what I was going to drink on my time off from work or when I went out. Just in the last few days I’ve felt that something was missing, and that is sad. I am hoping that soon I will feel better. I have been taking time to eat healthy foods and to drink lots of water.
I felt that now that I was really honest with myself I would be honest here too. I am going to drop the crutch and start hopping.
***
Ashleas, I did read your comment on my last post and it touched me deeply.I wasn’t sure how to respond. I know what you are saying and I wanted to say to you, “Go home and see your Dad.” but then I wasn’t even sure if that was the right thing to say. It’s always struck me as odd with all of the “How are you?”s and “Take Care”s that people throw around how little we reach out to those around us. I hope that you can find someone to talk to and a group if you want to be a part of one, but please know that you can always drop me a line and I am here to listen.
Bonnie, I hear you on the being hungry and still unable to take a half of someone’s sandwich when offered. I’ve been there, done that too. The part that kills me is if I found out that someone around me was hungry and felt as if they couldn’t ask me for help it would break my heart.
Just recently I’ve been having trouble eating anything (see part above about too much alcohol) . There are a few men who come in each night and clean the floors of the restaurant. I get a free meal each night as a perk of the job but I haven’t been eating anything. The other night it occurred to me that they might be hungry and so I threw together a meal and gave it to them to share and they were so incredibly grateful. Now if I see that one of the chefs is going to throw out food that is perfectly edible I’ll stash it away for when the maintenance guys come in and give it to them. I realize now when I see the excitement in their eyes over the food how hungry they were the whole time.
The other night I was being teased pretty heavily (which is par for the course in the industry) by one of my coworkers and I was getting pretty burned out on it when one of the maintenance guys stepped up and told the other man to lay off me. “I look out for her. Cut the shit.” was what he said. And then it was over. I can remember making eye contact and smiling but I don’t even know if I said thank you. I don’t know if if needed to, honestly. Sometimes I feel there are so many words and other times I think so much of it is total bullshit; we have actions so why the fuck is there so much useless talking?
Most of the men I work with have been very kind, but that one guy in particular I mention above seems to have gone above and beyond. I have to admit that I fear sometimes that this was motivated because he knows that I am not OK, that he can look at me and tell. I noticed the other day when I was alone in the kitchen that he rattled his belongings before he entered. I looked up and he said that he was trying not to scare me by popping up unexpectedly but he could see that he had failed. “I wasn’t scared”, I told him, “I was startled.” Then I laughed, because I wasn’t sure what the difference was. “Never mind me, I have baggage” I mumbled and he said “Yeah, me too”, and briefly I saw his hand rest across his heart.
' June 9th, 2008 at 10:17pm 8 comments
Oh, you are so much stronger than you think you are and that comes through loud and clear. Yay on you for giving up the drinking!
You know, I’ve worked with lots of professionals and upper crusts over the years but the most caring people have always been the maintenance guys, the janitors, the peons. Maybe because I actually talk with them, listen to them, and respect what they do, but they’ve always covered my back and gone out of their way to be helpful. I’m glad you have someone there that watches out for you.
And, that last sentence of yours was a killer.
Good luck with the no drinking thing. I think lots of water is a brilliant substitution. Your skin will love you for it.
I meant to tell you how happy I am that you got the job. I hope you are happy there and I hope you don’t take any crap from anyone.
I think everyone has secret sorrows/baggage which the world knows nothing about. I think it would make things easier, sometimes, if we trusted each other enough to share those things.
Yay to you for so many reasons.
Hi Belle, How have you been? I know exactly what you mean about the kindness you have witnessed from the workers you have met in fields such as custodial…I’ve had exactly the same experience. I’ve always considered myself a member of the working class, and I feel no shame in saying that. Getting to know people instead of dismissing them based on their job is something that a lot of the so called upper crusts individuals don’t even bother with and they really miss out on some wonderful coworkers.
Thanks for the words of support. I don’t feel so strong, but I feel better, if that makes sense. Baby steps.
Hi K,
I have been reading your journal but I haven’t commented in awhile. Thank you for the encouragement. I do feel good at this job and I haven’t been taking much crap, which is a big step for me. I read what you wrote about the disappearing food at your house. We are going through the same thing here with two teens, like if we don’t eat fast enough everything is gone.
I still haven’t drank alcohol and it’s been several days. I hope that you are doing well and I am glad that you took the time to comment here.
Thursday, Thank you. I have an idea of some of the many reasons you said yay to me and it made me grin broadly.
I have no idea why the font on my message to Ashleas is different than the rest of my post. I figured I’ll just leave it but if Alex sees it I know he’ll fix it immediately because it will bug him. Anyway, it wasn’t intentional.
You ladies are the best.
xxoo
Just to let you know.. I did go home and see my dad and I’m glad I did. Still sad, but somewhat happier. He seemed brighter than he has in a long time.. I blame it on the fact that he’s finally on a feeding tube after doing the whole chemo starvation diet for a year. Lol
Hi Ashleas! I am glad to hear that you were able to see your dad. I am sorry that he is dying. I wish you peace.
I am glad to hear that he is being fed now. You’re probably right on about the feeding tube improving his mood.
Do you have a journal?
Your email address is awesome, by the way
Tammy
Good for you for admitting that you don’t need it and stopping. I need to go on the wagon…I just lack willpower!
Hi Miss CrankyPants,
I think I was more so admitting that I feel as if I need it too much, if you know what I mean. Thanks for the kind words. It’s been incredibly difficult. I wish you luck if you’re feeling as if you need to cut down or quit too. It’s very hard.
xxoo Tammy