“ Why must you always be around?
Why can’t you just leave it be?
It’s done nothing so far but destroy my life
You cause as much sorrow dead
As you did when you were alive”
SINEAD O’CONNOR You Cause As Much Sorrow
I worked the graveyard shift Saturday night. As I’ve mentioned before, I work with mostly men. A few of them are veterans, and hearing them tell their stories, if they even can, and seeing the consequences they are dealing with now as a result of seeing more violence in a few years than anyone should ever have to face in a lifetime is heartbreaking. One man told me not to come up behind him; he can’t handle it. I’ve tried to walk heavily when I am entering an area he’s working in. He told me of working as a medic in the combat zones and trying to come to terms with losing 80% of his men. He told me of shooting them with morphine when they were hit and holding their hands as they died because, as he put it, “no one should have to die alone out there.” I asked him if he was treating a fellow soldier with a fatal wound and that man asked if he was dying if he told them the truth, or no. He said he always told them they were going to make it, no matter what.
“Your Daddy?” she pushed, and I just nodded, not wanting her to think I am in an abusive relationship now. She nodded back and smiled. “It’s gonna be O.K.”, she said as she walked away.
“Twelve”, I answered, “I usually call my Mom and wish her a Happy Father’s Day but she’s out of town this year.”
“Me too! I call my Momma on Father’s Day too!” and then she rose and sat right down beside me, pulling out her cell phone. She texted her Mom so I could see, “Happy Father’s Day, Momma. I love you.” and the reply came quickly. “Thank you baby. I love you too. Signed Daddy Momma”
As she picked up her belongings and prepared to leave she told me, “Every bit of fathering I needed I got from my Daddy Momma, even before he died when I was 17.”
Thank you all for your wonderful dessert ideas and opinions. I printed everything out and I look forward to getting back into the kitchen to try out some new recipes. I get bored making the same old things every night so hopefully getting to play around with the dessert specials will help. The comments that even took the time to say sweet things about me and my writing were a pleasant surprise. Maybe I should ask you all for advice more often. Do you think that now that I have hit the ripe age of 35 I should cut my hair above my shoulders? What about the color? Continue to get it highlighted at a salon even though I can only afford to do it once a year and I always have roots, or go back to doing it at home the way I did when I was in my teens and twenties?
One last thing, before I go. For those of you who have been following my stories, ChefHisName called and offered me a job. I actually considered it for a second because it would be a Mon.-Fri. day shift, but it’s several dollars less an hour and the benefits aren’t as good. Plus, and this really sealed the deal, the job was as a breakfast cook and the thought of cooking eggs for 200+ people every morning is more than I can stomach. It was nice to learn that he wasn’t just feeding me a line of bullshit when he said he’d keep me in mind for another position.
Comment by Jean
June 17, 2008 @ 6:46 am
I have some of that same damage to my psyche - the kind that makes me want to curl up into a fetal position, or run like the wind in the opposite direction when there is male anger/violence that I can in any way project on myself. I was abused by someone I loved (not my father - that would be much worse - I PICKED this person, for gawds sake).
Just when I think I’m over it, when it hasn’t surfaced for a long time, something will happen and I am instantly transported back to that last awful time. I HATE IT! And I can’t seem to control it.
My brother was a medic in the infantry in Viet Nam. He is a lost person, the Crazy has him firmly in it’s grasp. Are the guys you work with recent vets?
Thinking of you……..
Comment by Thursday
June 17, 2008 @ 12:53 pm
We have absolutely no idea what goes on in the so-called name of peace, do we?
My father called on Sunday. I ignored the call just as I had ignored the fact that it was Father’s Day.
What about using those temporary, wash in/wash out colours in your hair? They last about six washes and, from my experience, (many years ago using the Harmony ones in the triangular boxes which I’m not sure you can still get here in the UK never mind the States), they gave great colour and made my hair really shiny. Not sure how well they work if you’ve already coloured your hair tho’. It might even out any roots that are showing. I’d go for a shorter, sharper cut if I were you and I have NO IDEA what your hair looks like at the moment but a sharp cut can frame the face really well. The only thing is, it’ll need trimming regularly.
Comment by Thursday
June 17, 2008 @ 12:55 pm
I forgot - yay for you over Chefhisname.It seemed apparent at the time that he was really impressed by you but good to have that confirmation.
Comment by Tammy
June 17, 2008 @ 7:42 pm
I’m so sorry Jean that you can relate. I know what you mean about not being able to control it. With as much therapy as I’ve had, as many years as I’ve been given, it doesn’t go away.
The veterans I mentioned are recent, yes. It is heartbreaking. I happen to feel that they should be given free therapy, free job assistance and training,free help when they painfully skate to the edge of homelessness, alcoholism and despair, but they seem forgotten now that they have done their time.
Your brother, I am so sorry to hear that. I will keep him in my thoughts…
Thursday, I won’t ask about your Dad. I can’t say I’d be speaking to mine if he was still here.
I didn’t even think of semipermanent hair color. I’ll have to check it out, as I couldn’t do as much damage with one of those. I like the look of sharp short cuts but I am horrible about going for trims. I actually had my son trim the split bits off the other day and he did a very nice job, especially considering the fact that he’s never given a haircut in his life. My hair is naturally wavy, about six inches past my shoulders with a lovely array of blond highlights and several inches of new growth in my natural color which is dark blond, or light brown, whatever. It’s mostly all the same length except for some long layers I had cut into last time I was at the stylist and she asked if she could and I said sure, why not? I wear my hair in a bun for work and I often pull it up off my face so I can’t imagine not being able to do that. We are required to wear baseball caps as well, which I hate. I’d actually prefer a hairnet.
I did feel good about Chefhisname calling me. It’s always nice to be appreciated. He seemed disappointed that I’s already found work but it’s not like sitting around waiting for him was an option.
Comment by Cazza
June 18, 2008 @ 2:04 am
How could you be surprised at positive comments? You are one of the most insightful, entertaining and well written bloggers I read. And your writing has helped me fight my own demons many times.
I hope your mum is enjoying herself in my gorgeous country.
Comment by Belle
June 18, 2008 @ 5:39 am
Oh, the medic in a war zone. Good god how does one ever get over that? I had a serious relationship back in the day with a fella straight out of Viet Nam and his story (he only told me one) was horrific. And, yes, he was a mess for years and years. I hope he was able to lose the demons eventually.
On Father’s Day, we went to the military cem to put flowers on my hubby’s step-dad’s grave. The BioDad? Nope, he wouldn’t do it. I didn’t push it.
And, 37 years later, I still cannot have someone put their hands on my neck without immediately moving away. You are so right - some things just don’t ever go away and I have no shame/guilt that I wish the ex his day in hell.
Cut your hair! You will feel so refreshed! I can’t do the short hair thing but, at age 58, I still have shoulder-length hair. No gma permed hair for me quite yet!
Comment by Tammy
June 20, 2008 @ 6:54 pm
Thanks Cazza,
My Mom is Australian as well, and from what I have heard back from her she is having a great visit. No matter how many years she lives in the States, Australia is always going home to her.
Thank you for the kind words. They honestly surprise me, but I do appreciate it. If I’ve helped one person it has all been worth it to me.
Hi Belle, I don’t blame you for still wishing hell on your x. I tend to want to exact my revenge on people myself. I’m horrible like that.
I don’t think I can do really short hair but I will get a trim soon and maybe freshen my color.