Polly wanted to make sure I gave her credit for this photo.
I haven’t been even a tenth of the writer I wanted to be here. I had made a vow to also be a reader, to read and reply to my comments and emails, to reach out, to give back. I have been comforted by each of your words, and grateful that you took the time to leave them here.
I noticed immediately after the aforementioned incident with Chef Medium Cheddar that my anxiety level hit a high I haven’t seen in years. I dreaded going to work; I dreaded the hour he would arrive. I think I’ve mentioned before that I work with a group of guys, all of them seeming like boys really, except for one man, Joseph, who is closer to my age at 30. When I returned after the incident where I was yelled at I started to work immediately and he asked me what was wrong. I tried brushing him off and smiling, but he knew. We have had a few opportunities to talk alone since we started working together and we have opened up and shared just enough of our respective stories to know that we have struggled and why, although I must admit when he calmly told me his, a story filled with abusive stepfathers, a mother who abandoned him and the horrors he and his brother lived through in various foster homes, I could have wept for the little boy he once was. On another note, we both suffer from clinical depression and panic disorder, although his panic attacks were only recently diagnosed and treated. The similarities pretty much end there. He is strong and vocal and takes absolutely no shit from anyone, no matter what position they hold.
When I finally told him the condensed version of being yelled at he immediately asked why I hadn’t stood up for myself. When I told him that it was someone who is our superior there he was adamant, “I don’t give a fuck who it was. You respond to that kind of treatment with a demand for respect.” His voice softened quite a bit and he spoke to me softly, “I know that it is hard for you, but you are going to have to learn how to stand up for yourself. The first few times you do it it’s going to be real hard, but it will get easier. Soon enough people will learn that you won’t tolerate it and it will stop. And if you do get fired, you can walk out with your head held high.” I knew he was right in the same way I knew it was going to be something I may never master.
I did talk with Alex about it, and he said that if something similar happens again to bypass all of the cheeses in the kitchen and to head straight upstairs to the office that holds the head cheese of the whole operation where I am to calmly request a meeting regarding the incident. One of the reasons I clung to Alex from such a young age was the fact that he takes no shit from anyone. There is truth in what both Joseph and Alex said to me and if history is any indication, this will continue to come up until I can learn not to flee, not to cry, not to hide.
I haven’t written about my children in some time. Nathan had a wonderful visit to LA with my cousin. My only complaint would be that he came back whining about the weather here in Portland and bemoaning the fact that he wasn’t raised in LA. This type of griping gets old fast and so I have pointed out to him that he will be 18 soon, and at that point he can move himself to LA where everything is “perfect” , as he puts it. He is otherwise doing well. He decided to obtain his GED and is now starting college at the end of this month. He actually consulted me on his course selections and I told him to make sure to take at least one class that would be fun. He seems excited to be moving on and my heart is full as I watch him forge ahead. For a long time I was so afraid for his future. He has mellowed considerably and his anger doesn’t often get the best of him anymore.
Polly is in 8th grade this year. She is still avidly taking photographs and drawing. I am still trying to resist the urge to be way more overprotective with her than I am with Nathan. She has really come out of her shell at this school she is in. She has a solid group of friends and her calendar of events is too hard to keep in my head so I had to create a document for it on the computer to keep everything straight. She is still a voracious reader, something that pleases me to no end, and I can only hope that she knows how much I love her, as she is doing the pull me close push me away thing that is normal, but oh so painful as a parent.
I will try harder to write more. My laptop broke, and Alex can’t fix it, so I need to take it in for repair. I should have paid for the extended warranty. I always figure Alex can fix everything, but sometimes, no. I was actually happy that the damn laptop decided to die when he was using it. I hate being the one with my hand in the cookie jar when it shatters, every damn time.
Comment by Thursday
September 14, 2008 @ 2:07 pm
Great photo! Splendid writing as always. “I told him to make sure to take at least one course that would be fun”. Oh, what a fab parent you are. Joseph and Alex are right. Taking someone to task for their unacceptable behaviour does not have to involve shouting - if you don’t shout your response to them, they’re going to look mighty silly if they continue to do so.
Comment by Thursday
September 14, 2008 @ 2:08 pm
BTW, I love leaving comments on your blog, when you press ‘Submit Comment’, it does this really fancy roll-down thing. So I’m leaving another one.
Comment by Tammy
September 14, 2008 @ 2:35 pm
Thursday, you are too cute. I am not a shouter, but I tend to burst into tears when I get very angry, hence the hiding. I joked with Joseph the other night that I was going to start practicing being stronger by standing up to him and he said, “That’s not a very good idea.” I think he was kidding? He’s a nice guy and I am lucky to have someone to talk with who understands. He is more helpful than my psychiatrist, truth be told, but he can’t write prescriptions, unfortunately.
It’s wonderful to have you here Thursday. A fancy roll down thing? Alex designed this site so I’ll tell him when he gets home that you like it.
Tammy
Comment by Belle
September 15, 2008 @ 5:48 am
Nice to see you again, Tammy! I think those yellers and shouters sometimes think it’s ok because after all, they are yellers and shouters and we’re supposed to just know that and accept it. No. Next time just say “I will not be yelled at” - practice!
-and then report him.
I was thinking Nathan was no where near being old enough for college. Whoa!
Ok, off to see the log roll!
Comment by Tammy
September 15, 2008 @ 11:15 am
Hi Belle! I always smile when I see your comments. “I will not be yelled at”, I will practice. Yellers have always made me wonder because they often return to a fine mood and joke around soon after and I’m still left all shook up by their outburst.
Nathan is only 16, he’ll be 17 in February.He had so much trouble in traditional high schools that I had to search for special programs until I found one that worked well. Now he will be working with that program as well as our local community college. He is already talking about transferring to university after he gets his associates degree. I am so happy he’s doing better.
A log roll? Do tell!!!
Tammy
Comment by Bonnie
September 16, 2008 @ 8:48 am
I’m glad you talked to Alex about it.
You knew what he would say but that kick in the butt can be needed sometimes.
I do agree that it can be hard the first time to stand up for yourself but you’ll get past it and be more confident for it.
Bottom line, no one should treat you like that and you can’t let them.
I have to admit that I love the little thing your comments thing does when I leave one. I think that’s what she meant by “log roll’. Glad I’m not the only dork who gets WAY too thrilled with stuff like that =)
Comment by Thursday
September 16, 2008 @ 1:22 pm
You see? It’s not just me who likes it!
Comment by Bonnie
September 16, 2008 @ 1:30 pm
LOG ROLL!!
Comment by Bonnie
September 16, 2008 @ 1:31 pm
LOGGGGG ROLLLLLLLLL
WOOT
Comment by K
September 16, 2008 @ 7:38 pm
I used to be afraid of confrontation, too. I think growing up Catholic, we’re taught to be respectful and turn the other cheek and I know that mostly I was always shocked when people were mean to me because I was taught that if I was nice to others that they’d be nice in return (which isn’t true). I think when I let go of wanting people to like me I was able to just fight back or at least finally say something in my defense. I was trained from an early age to be seen and not heard and it’s taken a lifetime to change that about me. Trouble is, I want to scream all the time now to make up for lost time…
Comment by Belle
September 16, 2008 @ 7:42 pm
Yep, the rolly thing when you comment: log roll!
We have a new game - and you get more comments from us, ha ha!
Comment by Tammy
September 17, 2008 @ 3:45 pm
That comment thingy is this
http://wordpress.smullindesign.com/plugins/ajax-comments
according to Alex. I will just call it log roll.