I am in the midst of a work hell situation. Two bakers were fired and I am trying my best to hold it together until new employees can be hired and trained. Until then, too many hours working, not enough days off and not a whole lot of sleeping. I really miss writing here. Hopefully, there is some time off in my future. Thanks for the well wishes and emails of concern. I am fine.

Polly Self Portrait

The young boy dishwasher at my work is so small that the first day I saw him, back when I started the job in May, I wondered why he wasn’t in school. It turns out that he’s 20 and just very short. He gets teased a lot, called a hobbit etc., and I can’t say I ever gave him much sympathy because his disposition is so nasty I would have fired him months ago. He stands around and bitches constantly about washing dishes. He bitches in the kitchen; he complains when I bring him dishes to the dish pit, he finally announced that he wouldn’t continue there unless he was promoted to prep. To my surprise they started pulling him into the kitchen from time to time, having him do mundane tasks like run the slicer and slam hundreds of pounds of potatoes through the potato cutter for French fries. He told tales to the chefs and prep cooks alike of his guitar skills or as it was put, “what he was really going to do with his life.” I ignored him. The majority of the people there are going to be something else: a writer, an actor, a doctor, an executive chef, a musician.

The other day when he was called from the crazy hell of a steaming room of filthy pots, plates, silverware, garbage, cloth napkins etc. and into the hustling room full of knife wielding hopefuls I noticed that he took the time to go all the way upstairs to the locker room to get a chef’s jacket to replace his snap button, short sleeve, dishwasher shirt. I saw him fussing with all of the buttons as he sat on the stairs and suddenly felt guilty that I’d written him off easily as just a whiny, bitchy, lazy, little fuck. Not that he isn’t a whiny, bitchy, lazy, little fuck, but he still hopes to be something. Me? I like the dishwasher shirts better than the long sleeve multi button, thick chef jackets. They’re just too hot for people to stand in front of such heat for so many hours.

***

When I arrived at work a coworker was standing in my station, the song “Magic Man” blasting from the speakers on the shelf above him as he occasionally sang out “Barracuda!” “What are you doing?” I asked him. He started talking about something work related and I motioned to the speakers, befuddled, as another “Barracuda!” escaped his lips. “I am singing along to Barracuda.” I couldn’t believe these two songs could be mistaken for each other, so I quickly corrected him. He started to argue with me, and I wondered why I cared so much.

***

I saw him crossing the street towards me as I waited downtown for the bus. He was wrapped in a sleeping bag, his hair a wild mass of grey dreadlocks, his clothes so worn they were literally falling from his body. “Can you spare three bucks so I can get something to eat?” he said. I reached into my purse and grabbed the banana that I had brought to work but had no time to eat and extended it to him. “I don’t want a fucking banana; I want three bucks so I can get something to eat!” he yelled out, his face a mass of sores and his teeth an array of brown slivers cracking off in his gums. As I saw him stomp away, still yelling out about something I couldn’t make out, I placed the banana back as I gazed down the street for the next bus, longing to see my number, to rest my aching feet on the ride home.

Currently listening to: Rufus Wainwright Hallelujah.

I wanted to start this by answering some of the comments I didn’t have a chance to respond to.

Susan, I can think of no higher compliment than you taking your time to read through my archives. Thank you.

Kristen, the fact that you left a comment, “Haunting, beautifully so. ” is amazing, especially considering that’s how I feel about your writing.

K, you have been reading from the almost beginning, and I am lucky we found each other. I will hold my father’s letter close to my heart.

Bokker, I am happy to hear that you found me, especially through Thursday.  I appreciate your comment , “Thanks for writing- I know how hard it is to articulate loss, but I think it helps people.” A lot of people have questioned me for speaking out through my writing, but the world is a lonely enough place without thinking there’s no one out there who can relate. Do stop back in if you wish. I’ll put the kettle on.

Josh, I don’t know why woman have a thing for gnarly looking men. I like men to look like they’ve lived. If that involves a bad case of acne and alcoholism, so be it. I’m thinking of Charles Bukowski here. Very handsome man. As for penises, I hate to think men wouldn’t take the extra seconds to wash if they’re not circumcised, but I know better. So I am not going to think about it. Lalalallalalala. Has anyone heard any good songs lately???

***

One more statement about why I choose to write about my father’s suicide and the effects it has had on me: I have seen this from both sides now. I have been that 12 year old child who lost her father and I have been a depressed mother thinking about suicide. My point is this: The pain for the survivors never goes away. The guilt, the feelings that you should have saved the person, loved them better, all still there. For me it has lessened, but it’s in there, and sometimes I feel that sharp pain in my heart, that feeling of not being able to breathe, and it comes back. My Dad gave me life with my mother, and then over and over again in showing me the consequences to families when someone takes their life. I credit my mom for holding us together in the only way she knew how.

***

I have been working the day shift and the night shift. On the day shift they have a meeting every single morning before the restaurant opens. I realize that it is a good time for the kitchen staff and the servers to get together so the specials of the day can be described. The one part that gets more than a bit old is when the managers talk about the wines and beers. The good point of this is we get to sit down for a minute and they offer samples of different drinks so we can try them. The down side is the descriptions of the wines and the beers are so lengthy, including an at depth discussion of food pairings , that I find myself wanting to get back to the kitchen so I can get finished and go home. I would like to offer my services for this part of the morning meeting, even though I do not fit the wine connoisseur label. I would be straight to the point, “This is a Pinot Blanc from California. It is a very dry white wine. Too dry, in fact. (sips water) It is being offered at $9.50 per glass, and they don’t even fill that thing the whole way, can you believe that? You should know what to pair it with, you’ve been working here for months. Otherwise, just let the customer pick, because they’re paying after all.”

Anyway, work is good, even though I am getting bored. I need to make something new. I never want to see another hoagie or hamburger bun for as long as I live. The only thing that looks promising is that I can create artisan bread every week, the flavor is my choice, as long as we have a white and a wheat or rye variety because it looks better on the plates, and the promising thing is it’s pumpkin time. I saw that the cans of pumpkin were in and I hope I will be allowed to create some dessert specials for Fall.  I also have some sweet potato recipes that would work well.

I had my 90 day review, two months late, and got a raise and a lot of kudos. I was also told what I need to improve on. This is the first company I have worked for who has had the official reviews where I have to fill out paperwork listing my strengths and weaknesses. This was way harder than I imagined it would be. I fretted over that stupid paper and even asked my boss if I could punch out, have a beer or two, and then fill out the papers. I was that nervous. Apparently they pay you to fill this shit out so I sat down with a smoke and a coffee and just did it.

This entry isn’t getting any longer, despite my having started it days ago, so I am going to post it and try again soon.

Currently listening to: Joni Mitchell.