The responses to my last post were truly heartwarming and I want to thank you all. I’ll admit that at times like these past few weeks I feel as if I am not going to make it through this. I say this not as a cry for help, or sympathy, but because I want my readers to know the gravity of the disease depression. Those of you who have suffered or who are currently suffering from depression might already understand. Those of you who do not have this disease most likely know someone who does. I understand why so many people commit suicide. Dealing with depression is exhausting and frustrating, and it is easy to give up all hope. Everyday I see the toll this has taken on my family and I have at my lowest wondered if they wouldn’t be better off without me.
Having had a father who suffered from depression and who took his life I know the lifelong effects this has on those left behind. I know the pain and the guilt. I used to wonder in anger how he could have left behind a wife and four children, one who was expecting his first grandchild, but I understand that now. I thought that I wanted to know how and why, but I didn’t want to find out this way.
My husband still loves me, even though I want him and need him in ways that are impossible and exhausting for him. My kids still need a mom and I still believe that they are better off with me than without me.
I am looking forward to spring, my thoughts turning to seeds, and even all the way ahead to picking tomatoes warm from the sun.
My physical pain is getting worse, no doubt due in large part to my job. My doctor is trying out some new medications and I am working on physical therapy.
I’ve been looking for another job, something that doesn’t require so much physical excursion, something that isn’t on the graveyard shift even, as these hours are not healthy for me. I realize (again) that I have no skills that I can translate into a job and then comes fear. Sometimes I wish that I could dooce this fucking site to the point where I could bring in some money to support my family. Seriously, I think that. Sometimes.
' March 13th, 2009 at 01:45am 5 comments
And, FWIW, I think you write better than dooce. She gets on my last nerve with her cutesy way of ending stories. I don’t believe a word of it.
ANYWAY. I’m truly sorry you are going through this disabling depression. The Big D sucks ass.
I do believe a different job would help with your physical pain – don’t know how you stand on your feet all that time with a bad back. It makes me hurt thinking about it.
And, tomorrow is yet another day. I know you will get through this, I know you will find another job, I know you will feel good again. You are so gifted in writing that I cannot help but think you have way more skills than you give yourself credit for. Hang in there, kiddo……sending good thoughts your way!
Thanks Belle. I have to give Dooce credit for what she’s been able to do, have a site that is so popular neither she nor her husband have to work outside of the home. I could never sell my kids in that way though. Perhaps it’s harder for me because mine are older, but I can’t help but think there are going to be negative consequences to having a mom write about your every bowel movement on the internet.
I have no idea how I am able to stand all night either, not to mention the bending and lifting. I guess I do it because I have to, but I am not as able to bounce back as I was when I was younger. The pain is getting to be unbearable. I have to believe something good is ahead.
Thanks for the kind wishes. My readers mean a lot to me.
xxoo Tammy
Granted, I’m more than a bit late to to the Dooce party, but eh . . . Dooce, shmooce. I really don’t see what all the fuss and the glory is with her and her site. Not a bad person or site — I’m saying I just don’t get all the hype. And really, how is it that she rakes in the dough I’ve heard she gets from that site? Call me internet stupid on that one, because again, I just don’t get it.
You hang in there, Tammy. You write from the heart about real things and real issues that affect not just yourself, but nany, many people. The older I get, I find everybody, somebody has mental health issues with someone in their family. Some worse than others. It’s wonderful to be able to have the perspective of someone who’s living it and been through the ups and does with medications, psychiatrists, and everything else that comes along with this damn, shitty disease. It’s an insider’s view that helps me try to understand what exactly it is that those I love are going through.
I for one, love you for it. Just saying.
dawn
I think I’m overdue for a comment. I look for your updates as a means to put a voice to all the noise in my head. You remind me so much of myself. I suffer from debilitating anxiety that stops me from living a “real” life. Namely, not being able to drive a car, go on vacation and occassionally meet new people. For years I turned to alcohol to solve my problems. Today, I just try to understand the whys of my fears and hearing from ppl like you makes me feel less alone. I hope you continue to write as there are people out there who read this as comfort.
I give you my gratitude, reading your site as offten as I can brings a smile to my face. I’ve been reading since you first posted the update about Brett Reider. Some of the stories you tell remind me so much of my own life. Understanding the depression and the cronic pain I can relate. I just recently got married to a man that I was engaged to five years ago, but because of my fears that he wouldn’t love me for who I am with or without all the medical shit and the drama that seemed to track me down no matter where I went. ( I’ve moved 23 times in ten years running) I ran from him not even giving him an explanition. I still have my days where I feel like I want to crawl under a rock somewhere. But the good news is he loves me no matter what! I know things will get better for you just hang in there and remember there are a ton of people that read your site and your thoughts that feel like you are part of their lives… Thanks again!