Soon after I started writing here Jane linked to me. We emailed a little bit, and I remember her commending me on a particular entry. Her words came with a warning, however. “You can’t write like that everyday.” I didn’t really understand her words until last night. I have been agonizing over entries here, which seems kind of ridiculous, honestly. I need to just type and get it posted and move on. Sometimes something I am proud of might come of this, but I need the release it could provide, and the practice writing I long for. The longer I wait between entries the harder it is.
Speaking of writing, I have a couple of fiction ideas I have decided to pursue. It started out as the kind of joking around that occurs when sleep deprivation kicks in and everything is even funnier than it would be normally. Working graveyard shift with a small group of fellow bakers means that there are inside jokes, stories we have shared that become classics referred to over and over, laughter and more laughter. I was speaking with my cousin on the phone, and seeing how his wife is in the industry in LA, I ended up telling him one of my ideas. He put me on speaker and I was able to chat with her about the first idea and then my second idea. I had thought that they would make good screenplays, possibly. I have never written a screenplay and I can’t say that I know how, but I decided to try. Having been brave enough to tell my ideas to someone other than my sleepy coworkers felt empowering. Having someone say, “Hey, you might have something there”, felt even better. Sure, she might have been saying that because we’re family, but I don’t think so. We spoke again last night and she asked me how it was going, my writing. I mentioned that I had just been taking notes of ideas at this point. She gave me some excellent pointers and it felt really good to have someone in my life that actually lives the idea of “You can do anything you set your mind to.” I might try posting some excerpts of the fiction here if anyone is interested. Right now it’s very rough, but it’s fun. Moving away from the autobiographical type of writing I usually do feels good.
My depression seems to be waning, due in large part to the fact that I am not in as much physical pain as I was. My feet were throbbing the other morning when I got off of work and so I stopped by the Nordstrom Rack and found a pair of Adidas for 20 bucks. I tried them on and they were so cushiony and comfortable that I bought them. I also got several pairs of new socks. I had so few pairs without holes that I have been wearing Alex’s socks for months now. He said nothing, but I suspect he is glad to have me no longer raiding his sock drawer everyday. I also bought some thick insoles for the shoes and oh my god the difference in how I feel is amazing. I have been baking in clogs for years, but they just weren’t doing it for me anymore. My back, knees and feet all feel better. Money well spent, I should have done it months ago.
I haven’t answered every comment lately and it bugs me because I don’t want to be someone who appears to not listen to her readers. For those of you who are also suffering from panic disorder and/ or depression, you are the reason that I started this site. You are not alone and there are treatment options available. Yes, I still struggle everyday, but I am holding down a full time job; I have been able to go out in public socially a few times already this year; I can attend school functions with my kids etc. I have a life I never dreamed possible 10 years ago. Things could be much better, but they’ve certainly been worse. I am still not driving but I am not going to beat myself up about that.
Those people who stop by to check in on me amaze me. Thank you so much for caring.
' April 2nd, 2009 at 09:58am 5 comments
I always stop here and enjoy reading about your life. You’re a good writer and I can understand why your cousin would encourage you. You would probably do well writing a play (or movie script) because your writing is very visual. You just have to get it in right format for presentation. What’s really good is your ability to live your life and yet to step outside of it for a moment and write about it … to be an observer of yourself. Not many of us can do that but I think you have that ability. Keep going at it and I know you will succeed because you enjoy it.
Thank you Leonardo. I really appreciate the encouragement.
Well, now! I, for one, would absolutely love you to post some of your fiction here. You have a gift, for sure, so I am thrilled you are exploring other avenues of writing.
And oh, my dear, yes indeedy do shoes make a difference when you are suffering with the back issues. I wear tennis shoes all summer long and always feel much better. I wear them to work with skirts – fashion be damned.
And glory be, you most definitely have made progress this past year. OFFB is paying off!
Hi Belle! Fashion be damned indeed! I need comfort. I feel so good in my new shoes I can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner. Everyone in food service always told me that Dansko clogs were the way to go so I faithfully listened, looking around on ebay for shoes that weren’t 115. a pair. Now I am wearing white adidas with pink stripes and I don’t even care what they look like. I could bounce like Tigger in these!
OFFB is working, setbacks be damned.
I am excited about the fiction even though I have no idea what I am doing. Plus, I am doing this for me and me only, and it feels good.
Eeeeeuh-yeah. That quote kind of makes me sound like an asshole, but you got the drift of what I was saying. When you blog you have to just barf it up and sometimes you’ll hit it out of the park, and sometimes you’ll resort to stupid cliches like “hit it out of the park” and shrug and hit publish anyway. xo