I have wrestled with the idea of how to write this, or whether or not to write this. When I first started this site I knew that I wanted to reach out to others who were suffering from mental illness and their families. I believe that I have done that to the best of my abilities.
The past few months have seen my mental health take a dramatic turn for the worse. After a particularly brutal weekend and several consultations with my doctors I feel that I have little hope left but to enter an outpatient intensive therapy program. It has been scheduled for me to start Wednesday morning. It will be a day program, allowing me to return home at night. I have been forced to leave my job at this time due to a worsening of my depression and panic disorder. I am back to that place I never thought I’d ever be again of being too afraid to leave my house.
Over the weekend, while panic attack after panic attack washed over me, I tried through various methods to calm myself down. I tried taking my valium and telling myself that I would feel better in 20 minutes, but better never came. I seriously considered ending my life; not because I want to die, but because I don’t know if I can handle being this sick. In the end I reached out to my husband, Alex, and explained what was happening to me, and then to my mother. My mom drove over and held me and told me that she was proud of me for reaching out for help. I don’t feel like anyone anyone should be proud of, ever, but I want to one day.
My not working is going to place a financial strain on us. Alex and I have gone over our budget and decided which ways we can cut back to compensate for my lack of income. If it becomes financially neccessary for us to stop hosting this site I will post a message; I won’t just disaapear.
I spoke with each of my children seperately yesterday and explained to them that I was going to be seeking treatment. I answered their questions and many hugs were shared. I am glad that I have the opportunity to do this on an outpatient basis so that I will still be able to see them each evening.
The support I’ve received here has meant so much to me. For those of you who are also suffering from this please listen to me when I say don’t give up. I have to believe that through all of this there is going to be a brighter day on the other side, and that it will be possible for me to learn coping mechanisms other than just taking medications. I want to live and I am not going to surrender.
' May 12th, 2009 at 06:30am 20 comments
' May 12th, 2009 at 06:30am 20 comments
Tammy, good luck. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that you do well.
The fact that you were willing to reach out for help *is* something to be proud of.
And not for nothin’, there are free blogging sites if you guys can’t afford to keep up the hosting for this one.
Keep reaching out, it’s one of the hardest things to do, but one of the only ways through it.
You have two things to be proud of when you are able to feel it again…that you reached out for help AND that you wrote this entry. You helped me today — thank you.
You are in my prayers.
I have to believe that, too, Tammy. Good luck x
My thoughts are with you, Miss Tammy. Reaching out for help is oftentimes the hardest thing a person can ever do, so it’s a show of your strength that you did so. God speed and best of luck.
Hi Tammy-
I don’t usually write, but I do check for a post every day and think about you often. I really hope everything works out for you, hang in there.
Erin
You’re doing the right thing. Focus on those fulfilling parts of your life … your family, your friends, your writing, etc. because it’s in that focus that you will find answers to some of the other parts that can be a little more difficult to navigate right now. Having someone you can reach to, someone you have confidence in, will give you the steps that will help you to go forward, even though sometimes it might seem like you’re walking through a dark closet. There is, especially for you, lots of light on the other side of that door. Let it sneak in and bathe in it.
Tammy…I am thinking of you while you work through this difficult time. I hope you are able to find some peace.
You are SO WORTHY, Tammy! The mind is a terrible place when it’s out of synch with the world. I’m so impressed with your capacity to keep on keeping on, even when it’s dark inside. I have someone in my life that is on a journey similar to yours and it’s helped so much to know what is possibly going on in her head, even when she can’t put it into words for me.
I will help you $$ host this site – just say the word. SO WORTH IT!!!
It’s the reaching out that saves each one of us, over and over, many times in our lives. Let me reach out to you and help.
Good luck with the treatment, my thoughts are with you. This is the time to take all the energy and time and support you need and can get from those who support you in life to make sure you get better. It does get better, it will. Good thoughts and karma to you, my friend. Thank you for being brave enough to share this.
Tammy. God love ya, you are doing what is best – for you, first and foremost. You are worth the effort. You will feel better again one day. For now, work hard, accept the challenges to get where you need to be. I know it’s hard to share these kinds of things – I’m guilty of holding things in, too. I know I am a “stranger” but I care deeply about your well being and I am sending my sincere best wishes and prayers. Check in if you can. I’ll be thinking of you in the days ahead and holding you in my heart…..and I mean that!
please let me know. I know how bad, bad, bad this feels, but I also know that it will get better. It will!! Please know I am thinking if you & send you many hugs & smooches – anything you need, please just ask.
xoxoxo
Dear Tammy,
Your sharing of your life on this blog has been such a gift to a lot of people. Know that we are all rooting for you and want things to get better for you. It sounds as though you are making some really good decisions for both yourself and your family. Good luck. Lots of love and good energy being sent your direction!
Thinking of you, as I do often.
Sending love, hugs and unconditional hope to you, m’dear.
xoxo
cat
I am late reading this…forgive me for not commenting sooner.
Please take good care of yourself. You are truly one of my favorite blogs and I think what makes you special, aside from your awesome writing, is the fact that you are so honest about yourself, you’re so real.
I hope you find peace and hope and joy again in your life. I’ll keep you in my prayers!
I am glad to hear that you have taken a difficult step for those of us who suffer from mental illness which is reaching out and asking for help. I hope through the day program you find the tools and renew your strength to overcome the obstacles in your life.
take care
Sending good thoughts your way, Tammy. You’re on my mind.
Keeping you in my thoughts. You are incredibly talented and your writing will be greatly missed. It feels silly to be proud of someone I’ve never met for doing something so brave, but I am proud of you and wish you the best.