Calling It

Remember pagers? Oh, I’ve been paged! Now I need to get to a phone.

***

With summer nearing its end my teens seem to want to spend every last second doing either nothing, or hanging out with friends. I feel a rush inside, things to get ready for that probably have already been taken care of. Polly is starting her first year of high school. She was originally excited about the school she will be attending, but the friend who was going there as well up and moved over the summer. Now it’s as if her life is ending, she has been crying at random moments, exclaiming that she won’t go, no matter what, slamming her door, yelling at me for not giving her any choice, for ruining her entire life. I reminded her a couple of times that it was she who selected that we apply to this school, she begged to go there, but really, in the face of her at times extreme angst, it’s best for me to say nothing. She has always been resistant to any change of school and I remember the tears when she started at the junior high she quickly grew to love. I hope that she settles in comfortably to this school as well. Alex and I have asked her to give it a chance.

Nathan is back to school soon as well. At 17 he is about as calm as he could be. I think back on the rough years with him, the times when I never admitted it to anyone, but I feared he’d end up dead or in jail. Every once in a while I remember those years, if only to be grateful for how far he has come and to remember that this too shall pass with Polly.

I am recognizing the power of my own thoughts. I am acknowledging my fears over what the future holds for me, for us, as well as trying to keep a mental list of my hopes, my dreams, and all that I have to be thankful for.

I know that I feel better when I take a walk everyday. I know that gardening feels so right. I know that no matter what I can pick up my phone and call my Mom, or my sister Maria. Most of the time just knowing that is enough. In the middle of the night, gripped by panic, sadness, anything, I could call either one of them and they would be here for me. Having that is a gift.

I can’t ask too much from Alex. I can remember a time years ago when I was sick and I reached out for him. He said, “What do you want me to do, lay my magic hands on you and cure you?” The response stung at the time, but I realize now that he had given all that he could at that particular time. It was time for me to ride out the rest of that virus alone, for the most part, resting in bed. Mental illness is much different than a flu of course. I notice my ups and downs more now that I am not working. Before I was able to throw myself into baking and it kept me occupied enough that I could push a lot of my negative thoughts out because I was focused on the different doughs and what stage they were at. I was always counting, making sure there was enough of every product for the next day. I was trying to think ahead with the dessert work, making sure that nothing ran out. It was an escape. I miss it sometimes, as well as the camaraderie I had with my coworkers.

I have some seedlings to transfer into the ground now.  I am excited that they grew and happy to be trying to grow several different vegetables I’ve never grown before.  I am lucky to have my dog, Maggie. She loves to be by my side and I can chatter away to her all day if I feel so inclined.  It’s a beautiful day today. I’m headed out to get my hands dirty.

Tagged as: Depression, dogs, Gardening, Love, Marriage, pagers, Panic Disorder, Parenting, pay phones, recovery