when I don’t think I’ll make it. Days when I can hardly bring myself to do the very basic things, eat, swallow pills, take my dog out, do a load of wash. I am so tired of fighting. I can’t calm the racing of my heart. My hands won’t stop shaking. I don’t want anyone to look at me. Everyone knows I am sick; it’s tattooed right across my forehead. I can’t explain to my husband why I am too scared to leave the house. I can’t ask for anything more from him. I can see him already weighed down by the burden of me. My mom said yesterday that she has done all that she can to help me. It’s true. I’ve asked too much. I think about checking myself into the psychiatric ward of the hospital. I don’t want to have to explain what is wrong with me. The last time I had to call for emergency help on a weekend the woman on the other end of the phone said, “You are so strong to have made it this far, so brave.” I didn’t believe her.
I’m tired. I’m down on my knees. Every single bit of me has been drained and what’s left is a burden. I don’t know where the hope goes, where that feeling of being destined for something much, much better is. People going on and about their daily lives, smiling, working, laughing, talking. I don’t understand. I want to know their secret.
I think about different quotes therapists said while I was in the hospital. “Every single one of you can get better, but there are different degrees of better.” “Mental illness can be a dangerous gift.” “The introverted mind would never be discovered unless that person took the time to write things down.” “You can live with your illness, but with less pain.” “Your choices increase or decrease the stress symptoms.” “Focus on changes in your behavior, everything bigger has to wait.” “Feelings are not facts.”
I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday. I can do this.
' August 29th, 2009 at 02:10pm 6 comments
Oh, sweetie, I so want you to feel better! Yes, you can do it. You must do it. Find something to hang on to until Monday. I will be thinking of you and I am sending a big hug your way.
Thank you so much Belle. I am feeling a bit better today, but damn was yesterday hard. I thought about deleting this post but decided to leave it up. It’s all part of the process. Tammy
I get overwhelmed often enough with feelings of hopelessness and despair. I think it is part of the process — of being a human being. I’m glad you didn’t delete your post. I need to see that other folks struggle, too.
Keeping you in my heart todayand hoping for good things!
Tammy, I never got round to thanking you for posting those foundations of basic care. I’ve tried to live by them. Of course, it’s so much easier to know what you should do than to do it. But I’m trying. The main one I focus on is pulling on my purple skirt and putting on mascara, even if I don’t plan to go anywhere. It means I’m more likely to go somewhere.
I don’t know why these simple things have to be struggles, or why they even have to be decisions. I hope they get easier – for you, for me, for all of us. I hope life can be joyful again. I think you can make it.
Tammy, you are a very strong person with great gifts. Do not give up. I have been where you are and a doctor told me that I might feel like checking out was the easiest thing and that lots of people would be sad if that happened, but my son (daughter wasn’t born yet) would never get over it. You know this is true…you know better than anyone. So I didn’t and you won’t–promise me. Deep breathing. In for 10, out for 10. I’m not trying to oversimplify. It works, you know it does.
My secret is the right medication btw. Some people it’s the right brain, goddamn them.