Matilda
My mom got a goat, and I spent a glorious day over there last Thursday preparing her chicken coop for winter. I may or may not have stopped numerous times to cuddle said goat. Just between you and me, I think this goat loves me best of all.
I have tried and tried to finish the post that I was talking about in the comments on my last post. The post about how I came to name myself Sarah when I first started writing and posting online. I am in such a funk; the post sits as an unfinished document on my desktop. If I can’t get the flow of something after this many days I need to wait. I’m sorry. I really do appreciate all of the nice comments I received on my last post.
Cork , who is a man I met online over ten years ago, has never been anything but supportive of my efforts. Even though we have never met in person I consider him a friend. He is an incredible writer; I wish that I could link to him here, but I don’t think he has a website up at the moment. Last year he suggested that I try to do two simple nice things for myself everyday. I did for awhile, and then I got caught up in the hell of working graveyard and struggling with my guilt over sleeping during the day and being a sub-par mother to two kids who really needed me. I am going back to his advice now. I will seek at least two moments of bliss for myself each day. If bliss seems like a bit of a stretch I’ll settle for a little flicker of joy. If you would like to join in, please do so. If you would post your moments in the comments I would love it. We can do this together if you’d like. I already have my visits to my mom’s goat. The photo above was taken with my phone, so it’s not great, but she’s a sweetie. I asked Alex if we could get a goat but he didn’t like that idea that much. He was initially resistant to getting a dog too, but he changed his mind and got me Maggie. She makes me happy everyday.
I have been open here before about my drug addiction and alcoholism, so I feel comfortable sharing my morning here. I got up to my alarm (yuck) got the kids up and off to school, pulled on some sweats and took the dog for a walk without brushing my hair, came back and made coffee and checked the status of the dough I’d mixed up last night before I went to bed and peeked at the sticky buns I baked off last night to see how many were missing (three) and surveyed the house to see which chore I should tackle first. I was standing in the kitchen when it occurred to me: I hadn’t thought about getting high. It’s usually right there, first thing in the morning, that craving to numb myself. Just last night Nathan and Polly got into an argument and I was trying to diffuse the situation before it escalated further and in my struggle to stay calm when I really just wanted to tell both of them to shut the fuck up and to go to their rooms I kept thinking, “I need a drink.” Instead I finished mixing the dough recipe I am trying for the first time (it requires an overnight sit) pulled the sticky buns from the oven and glazed them, and kept my cool. But I wanted a drink, a scotch, to be specific, a big one, a whole bottle. Instead I tried to breathe slowly in and out and I went to bed soon after. Sober.
This morning is the first in decades where I didn’t wake up with that hunger for drugs and that realization is my moment of bliss number one for today. What was yours?
' November 18th, 2009 at 01:23pm 8 comments
Every morning these days starts fairly well (except for the whole alarm thing – but I found a nice chimes ringtone that I use as the alarm on my phone – kinda Zen). The alarm goes off, my husband and I say our first of the day “I love yous” and he gets up to have his coffee. I wake the dog who moves from his “place” at the foot of the bed up to my arms and I wake up slowly by scritching his belly and kissing him while he “mmmmmms” at me. Then I get up and the kitten is meowing for me to feed him. If I have time, I get in a brief cuddle. Then Stan drives me to work through Central Park (which is just gorgeous these days), and we kiss at all the red lights.
Unfortunately, then I have to go upstairs to work.
Finding a big fat toad when I was raking leaves.
Trying to think if I had any moments of bliss today – probably the big one was that I didn’t have to go to work today and taking a hot bath tonight
Hope your holiday was peaceful. I thought of you!
I’m so happy for your craving free morning, may you have endless more! Also, I heart the goat.
Taking a hot bath, stopping and eating something out (by myslef) while my daughter was at her art class, getting my hair trimmed.
Thinking of you, missy. Hope all is well!
I’m OK. I’ve just been forced to focus on my health. My back troubles have led to several visits to the physical therapist each week. I am currently doing only two exercises with the therapist’s approval, one is like a modified push up for my lower back while they do compressions, the other is in the pool. I had no idea how difficult the whole getting next to naked thing was going to be until I actually had to do it. My insurance will cover one more week and then I will have to keep trying at home. I was pretty naive about the whole thing before I started, which is probably a good thing, I wasn’t prepared for so much pain.
My psychiatrist has been trying to help me with sleep troubles by tweaking my medications, again. I’m either asleep for 18 hours and I can barely drag myself around, or I can only sleep an hour or two a night. Not fun. A happy medium exists somewhere.
Last week I finally broke down and called the dentist about a toothache I had been having. I ended up having to have root canals and fillings. I’ve never had any trouble with my teeth before but I have been neglecting them the last couple of years. Somehow the little post it note I put up to remind myself to make a dental appointment didn’t spur me to action. Even after insurance covered 70% the copay was huge.
I feel like I live in waiting rooms, on buses, in doctor’s offices. I am freaked out by some of the bills that are starting to come in. I talked to my psychiatrist and he encouraged me to continue to use this time when I don’t have a job to get my back stronger. It has been a difficult journey, this entire year has, but I am still hoping to come out of it stronger and healthier. I haven’t felt like writing about any of it, but I have started a few things that I hope to finish soon. Thank you for your continued kindness. It means a lot more than I can say. Tammy