Well, Thursday was right in her comment on my last post. I didn’t listen to her though. No, when the former friend himself expressed a desire to communicate I did it. I think that it was helpful to me in certain ways. For example, I was able to say some things that had sat boiling inside of me. Probably more important to my recovery was the fact that when I got angry I said so. Vehemently said so. I think that the therapist in the hospital who pointed out to me that I wasn’t going to be able to heal until I let myself get angry was spot on. I can’t control the responses of others but I can own my own.
Belle, please know that you do have a voice and a way of communicating that is no less than the voice of others. I hear you and I appreciate you.
The most importnat revelation came as a total surprise. If I have a moment with another person that I feel deeply is significant ; it doesn’t matter if the moment is significant for them. In fact, it doesn’t even matter to me if they remember the moment. I can still have it as my own, and it’s no less precious.
In other news, Nathan turned 18. He has decided to go up to Canada to stay for awhile or maybe to live with a family member. I can give him my opinions and advice, but I can no longer control his decisions. So once again the topic of letting go is first thing on my mind. I can say good luck, and goodbye, and even tell him that he’ll have a home to return to if he changes his mind. But I have to let him go.
The part of this month that has surprised me is the fact that none of the pain brought me straight to my knees. I have cried; I have gotten pissed off, but I haven’t gotten into bed and stayed there. I am carrying on. I have continued to go to my doctor’s appointments. I’ve had a couple more steroid injections for my back and hip pain and they seem to be helping. I am starting yet another series of physical therapy. I am trying differnt medications for pain, depression, insomnia, and anxiety. My mouth feels like a desert from one of the new meds, so I have been chewing gum and sucking on hard candies and sipping water. The doctor said that the dry mouth often goes away after awhile so I hope for that to happen.
I am in the process of waving goodbye while still letting it be okay for me to carry the memories of my own significant moments with me. I’ve never been good at closure or letting go, or whatever you want to call it. I just know that I have to figure out a way that works for me because the weight of it all is just too much to carry forward.
Does anyone know where Bonnie is? I just wanted to see if she’s doing alright and I’ve had no responses to the emails I’ve sent her.
' February 24th, 2010 at 04:40pm 6 comments
As I read this, I had an image of you standing with your face turned up towards the warming sun.
I think we’re all learning a lot from your experience. The fact that a moment that you share with someone else is subjectively YOUR moment no matter how it affects the other person is an important observation to me because often I tend to be more concerned about how that sharing affects the other person, lessening the impact on myself. But, it is ME that must move forward if I am to survive. Otherwise, there will be no sharing at all.
The other great point that you make is that in letting Nathan go you are experiencing a new level of yourself, one that you might not have been exposed to if you were to try to stop him. You cannot control what the ultimate outcome will be when someone so close decides what he wants to do. All you can do is offer your logic for/against the action, hope for the best, and help him learn from the experience of his new venture. But this is an emotional level which you’ve never had to face before and it raises your own self-consciousness because all that you’ve taught him gets hung out there. Sure, you can do little more. He will be who he has become and who you created. This is important for him. It is much more important for you because he knows where to return if he has to, but more importantly he will be out there being what you made him. And you are there and you will continue to be there. You are now home base.
You sound much more in control. I think you are really taking the right steps to freedom from the pain. I know Nathan leaving will be hard, but I’ve learned that hanging on to our children doesn’t serve either their or our best interest. You have been a good mom, and he knows you love him. Based on my experience, they do what they are gonna do and if he makes mistakes, well…….you will still be there for him and I’m guessing he knows that!
How is springtime in your neck of the woods? Miss ya!
Try Biotene for the dry mouth. My dentist requires that I use it, and you should be able to find it at a drug store.
Hello out there? Hope all is ok……